Coordinating Connections

Maybe life isn't about an end point
But how you draw your map
Showing where you cross paths
And where there are trips and traps
Letting others know where is safe
And where to meet
Like suggesting new clothes
Or a good place to eat
Maybe our stories have to deal
With less of our inside
And more to do with
Who comes along side
Do we need to change
Our views and perspective
Opening up and allowing
Our minds to be receptive
And intake everything around
To use our senses and really feel
Allow our hearts to know
Joy and pain and how to deal
Let your guard down
Learn to experience and give
Help others how you can
Let yourself truely live
So I guess I want you to
Give people more than just a look
Because you never know who you'll impact
And be a character in their life book
So much comes from relationships
So give others a second chance
Because life can change so much
From a friendly glance

these nights

Music blasting, playing games, it will be ok. My mind threatens to vetunre into the darkness. Trying to block out all the thoughts. These nights are the ones I long for morning, cause all I feel is mourning. Sometimes I don't know how I made it this far, why I'm still alive. When there's been so many lost lifes. So many friends that never got to see thirty, so much of me longs to write and tell their stories. To impact the world with their lifes, cause they impacted mine so much. I'll never forget the smiles, the jokes, the way each person brightened a room as they entered. How much it touched me that they knew me and supported me. And then here I sit so discourged from my past, my present, the future. These nights the pain stings much deeper, and I long desperately to help others that feel like this. Those who've been negleted, forgetten, abused. Those who doubt so much about them, struggling to love themselves. To know what love means. These nights when I want to run from where i lay and just yell on a street corner... CANT YOU SEE THE HURT IN THE WORLD, WE NEED TO FIX IT! These nights when I dream of being someone to impact the world but am so scared of making any choice. These nights when I battle the flashbacks, and the effects they left me with. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. But I guess crazy is ok. These nights are rough, but I'm never defeated, for some reason I am still alive, I still have a chance to change myself and make an impact for the greater. But on this night I sit here fighting to keep myself together...cause I know it will just be another one of these nights

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Sitting here
wondering why
Am I standing still
cause life seems to pass by
Day after day
I play the same song
trying to get out of it
But still I trudge along
work, school, eat, sleep
hangout, help out, drive around
Is it all meaningless?
getting closer to the ground
Yet we try to build
and leave our great mark
Hoping we are more
Desiring to give society a spark,
start a great movement
Make a difference in a positive way
but life still passes by
Day after day

Life left me puzzled

Sometimes I wish that life was a puzzle
So the answers would be so clear
It would just fit so perfectly
But it's like someone broke the edges
And colored on top of the picture
So nothing connects
I'm longing to connect

          There's things in life that just make plain sense to me. Not always the most normal things but I'm learning to embrace the differences. Puzzles make me happy, they are sometimes super easy, others can be a bit challenging. But in the challenge I learn to look at different features that make each piece unique. I classify my puzzle pieces not colors but by shapes normally. Even though each shape is slightly different. For some reason it allows me to notice the differences in color easier.

          I can't classify life into different shapes, and it's like I'm color blind. Everything seems the same and nothing ever fits together. I'm stuck, I'm puzzled by it all. Which seems like the worst pun in the english language, cause puzzles seem so right to me, yet it means there's confusion. Life definately confuses me.

      I'm still guessing what this puzzle called life is supposed to look like. Some spots feel so ugly, some pieces so rigid. Trying to feel the completed picture, but is life something that will ever feel completed? 

lovely

Those eyes pierce into me
Gently though
I'm lost in the deep brown swirl
Those lashes
such a delicate curl

I can't hide my smile
and it's real
how you make me feel right now
is different
then anything ever before

When you smile at me
I melt
the way your whole face brightens up
those dimples
are the cutest thing

Such giddiness and nervousness
left wondering
If you feel the way I do
stumbling words
because you noticed me

If Life Gives You Melons...

I once heard a joke that went if life gives you melons you may be dsylexic. I think about this; life and melons and lemons; the sweet yet sour-ness of my life. There are many times in life where I get frustrated with my disabilities. I notice how much harder I work to fit in, to stay focused, to understand others, to handle every day situations. I get frustrated sometimes and wish life had just given me lemons like so many, but I have melons. No matter how you look at a melon will always be a melon and never a lemon. So I try to look at the fact that melons are sweet. There are many sweeter things that come with my ADHD, my sensory processing issues, and other little quirks I have. I can remember a lot of little details about something (I'm beast at ispy books). I'm full of facts, sometimes random but I love learning more about things and sharing knowledge (knowledge is power). I pick up on things fairly fast. There's many downsides though, It's really hard for me to focus for long periods, when I do end up focusing it consumes me and I panic if I can't complete the task. I'm extremely impulsive...extremely. Certain sounds, tastes, and textures send me into a fit, they make me panic and not be able to do anything, sometimes it gets so bad that I tantrum like a toddler. I have less cooridination which results in many many injuries for me. Thankfully I've learned many ways to help myself stay on task, calm my impulstivity and avoid chaos. For me textures of three are very calming ( the back of my hair is even cut short and then shaved up a little to create three textures to soothe me when over stimulated). Music is a wonderful way to ease me ( I almost always have a headphone in, it helps me focus more too).  My all time calm down is my blankie, but it's not really acceptable for me to carry it everywhere. 
I'm not quite sure why I wanted to share all of this...I do know that sometimes it's hard for me to explain to others what is going on in my head, or why I do things that are random, weird, or overbearing. I  do want to say though that I appreciate life giving me melons, because melons come in all different shapes and sizes and colors, and sometimes I like being different than the general population of people.

Catch 22

It's way past my bed time right now, but I feel as if I don't write I'll never share. Sometimes in life I get so overwhellemed, I mean we all do. Then fears swoop in and take over. My mind goes on over drive, spinning out of control faster than the tazmanian devil. I started looking at things in life and what I actually wanted to do when I "grow up". I use that term losely because I don't really think that I'm not a grown up, I just know I am at a point again where I need assitance with somethings. Unexpected circumstances that were unforseen to humans knocked me off my feet, I love that in a way, because it makes you fully rely on God. I mean I was literally knocked off my feet. A blown out knee left me unable to drive, to work, to do many simple tasks in life on my own. Sure there were points when my knee was getting better and I could go to work for a bit and move around with just a limp and a knee brace. Those were glorious moments, times when I felt like "cool I got this, time to walk back to reality". But honestly I hadn't learned all I needed. Not that I think I know it all now. Man can I say the joys of simple movements and feats though. I spent my summer out of work getting some knee surgery and right now I'm six weeks since surgery. I spent some time on complete bedrest, rejoicing over being able to wiggle toes on my own, then learning the muscles around the knee again, and being able to finally dress myself or take a shower on my own, when I started to take my first steps (in my head I wanted to do backflips it was that awesome). Right now I'm at a set back, my knee won't bend as far as it should already. On top of that I need to start paying for the surgery and therapy, but I'm not making money till I go back to work, but can't work until the knee heals enough from seeing doctors and therapy. It's a crazy catch 22 that I could easily get caught up in. And it did make me stumble for a bit today, I got frazzled and frustrated and cried. And then got comforted by the fact that God heard my cries, He knows this part of my story (well He knows it all, being author of life and all), If I just listen and press in... and that is how I must handle the many catch 22s in my life, the only way to press through and perservere (remain under). God doesn't desire confusion, He doesn't say there won't be chaos, but He promises to walk through it all with you and fight on our side. Best part He always wins, every time. I may get frustrated and fed up with my knee and my life but in those moments God will shine through (not always in the way we expect) and He will always see me through it. I'll rejoice in this pain, and trust Him to provide, goodbye catch 22, hello Jesus catching me and you...