I Don't Want To Be A Pharisee... Help Me See From Your View

I've been thinking a lot. Sometimes that's not a good thing. Words blast thru my head faster than ever. The interesting parts of my ADHD; thoughts go in and out so quickly and string together in unsual ways.

I was talking to some one the other day about rape and murder. They remarked that they wished they could just like tattoo the person that does these bad things with a name for what they did. I didn't agree, my thought on it was why should we label them with their sins when God doesn't do the same... Why should we judge them of being everything they did with no hope of change? That person told me i'm a better person than they are.

But then i'm thinking I'm a great big hypocrite. Although I don't like labeling others I constantly place negative labels on myself.... they may not be as bad as they used to..... but it's still not what God says about me. I'm not allowing God all that He is by limiting what I think I can be or do. Ive always said God doesn't make junk, which is completely true. Yet I'm still blocking myself of the idea of being like Him, being holy, rightoues, lovely.

I've been questioning a lot lately. I've just felt like my life just wasn't making progress. I got angry with God because I started placing parts of my life above my relationship with Him and I allowed those things to cloud my mind. I started wearing the weight of my problems and pains on my back, like they were mine to hold again. I know I didn't have to carry them, I could have easly taken everything I had and laid it down at His feet. Silly me, I wanted to have control again in life, and well I'm not ment to control this life. I ended the life I had control of the moment I decided yes I will follow God. So there I was taking the life I gave to God back and getting frustrated because I couldn't do it on my own and follow Him. I opened the door of my heart for anything and everything that could enter it.

Man did things enter. The places in my heart that I hadn't given God control of yet started to take over. Destroying the beauty God placed in, defiling the holiness, twisting the lines of what is truely right. Darkness consumed as much as it could. The open wounds of my life got re infected. The demons that have been on me since that first sin against me got control for the first time in a long time. It was horrible yet part of me wanted to experience it.

I knew I wouldn't follow God whole heartedly until I tried on my own again. Which sounds rediculous, but I had placed false ideas on God that He didn't deserve and I needed to know that yes He is my savior all and all. I compared God to humans, I blamed Him for things He never did. I allowed the lies of the devil to sink in till I started to try to make it truth. But God didn't hurt me, He never will!

A line from a song by John Reuben played over in my head, " How can I convince them when I'm not even conviced?" How can I be convinced though if I'm not seeking? You can know things about a person but if you aren't talking to them how do you expect to know more?

I've been a hypocrite in many ways in life lately. Labeling myself things that God does not say I am,while trying not to label others. talking with friends and telling them they need to let go of one thing or antoher and seek God's view of them, while I was clinging to many things to here the postive things I wanted in life.

I guess I'm writing just to keep track of life and such. I desire to jump deeper and place God first always...in everything. Not just the parts I want to give. I know that me seeking God makes my impact so much greater in this world. And I'm ready to step up and dive.... because we are all here to make the world a better place if we try and give it all. I think this verse from a song by JJ Heller puts where I am at in life best, "There are true things, inside of me I have been afraid to see, I believe, help my unbelief, Would you say again what you said to me, I am loved and I am free I believe, help my unbelief."

I've been so caught up on finding the missing pieces of the puzzle of my life that I failed to realize how complete the puzzle is getting. I wanted God to put more pieces together but He wanted me to see how much it was complete. How beautiful a picture it makes when I let Him put it together, so I drop the pieces I think should belong and allow Him to place what He desires.

They play a song at our church alot. It's called Moving Foreward. I dont always like hearing it. I always remember the first time I heard it and then feel bad for not being where I think I should be in life. I sat in the church last time it was played and just talked to God about it. I went to Him hurt asking why this song keeps coming up. What God said to me about it was not at all what I expected. He asked me if I remember the first time I heard the song. Which I was like of course, Joshua Revolution, it was when I first heard you tell me to do missions. He kinda just smiled on me and said "you know what I rememeber Amanda?" Which made me laugh and be like I dunno, You are God tell me what You remember... He told me He remembered how much of a struggle I had actually going to the conference, how much was blocking me from Him at that point , and how when that song started playing that I dropped to my face and surrendered everything up, How I was desperate for Him and how it made Him delighted. That He couldn't wait to share some of the future plans He had for me since I gave Him everything. I was shocked. I feel like I'm not where I should be and God remembers that I surrendered to Him? He then asked me what happened, how did I get so far away.... It's a heart breaking thing to hear.

I ready now. To move foreward, to hide in His wings alone. Here I Am Lord, But please just let me lay close and heal before You send me. I'm willing to go but not until You are my all.

Fighting For The Life....

Can You Feel It Hardening Too?
No Longer Fighting To Hold Onto You
Listening To The Shouting Lies
Allowing The Cold, Blindness To Set In The Eyes
My Heart Is Tired And Weary
The Coming Days Just Oh So Dreary
A Sickness So Deep
I Lay Awake And Weep
Why Don't Mend?
Can't You See I'm Trying To Rend?
Where Are You When I Feel Alone?
Why Don't You Answer My Spirit's Groan?
So You're Here, But I Don't Let In
I'm Too Consumed With My Sin.
I Don't Feel Like Letting Go.
I Don't Want To Let My Pain Show
Sweetly Broken Is Definately Not Me
A Gross Flow Of Emotion Is What I See
The Hardening Continues To Spread
Because Of The Voices In My Head
How Do I Quiet Them Forever?
Deeper And Deeper They Sever
I Can't Keep Fighting So Hard
It Leaves Me Hurting And Scarred
I'm Left Here Crying
Wanting My Flesh To Be The One Dying
Stop The Ache!
I Don't Know How Much More I Can Take....

My God's Bigger Than Your Sin

I was so little, so Small
still a baby
but for you it meant nothing at all
I was so mild,
and so meek.
And you took advantage
of the fact that I was weak
I was so young
just barely three
how could you?
How dare you take advantage of me!
The effects lasting long
the trauma so deep
haunts me while awake
and terrorizes my sleep
I am so broken
so hurt to the core
do you understand the
effects I had to endure
never feeling safe
Afraid of who to trust
Not understanding the differences
between love and plain old lust
I struggle daily to find beauty
Always feeling the dirt of your sin
the emotional scars
but you'll never win
you may have taken my innocence
for a bit of lust
But you see
My Jesus is the one I can trust
He's the one who calls me his child
And wipes away the many tears
Holds me close at night
and fights away those fears
Your actions broke me down
made me hurt something strong
But my God promises
it wont hurt for long
So I give you to Him
allow His justice to take place
and try to get rid of the bitterness
I feel when I see a picture of your face
You may have hurt me
But we all sin great
I forgive you for it
and I'm trying not to hate
My God's bigger than your sin

ramblings of the heart

Lord I'm Cry Out
And I Can't Hear Your Voice
My Words Bounce Off These Walls
Shattering The Silence And
Allowing The Wound To Open Again
Like A Scavenger I Pick Thru
Trying To Find Something Of Worth In Me
But My Hands Are Already Filthy
Infecting The Wound Yet Again
In Desperate Need Of A Healer
Yet I'm Trying To Be All I Need
How Do I Expect To Hear You Over My Screams?
When Will I Let You Back Into This Room?
Why Are You Screaming Too?
So Many Questions
I Have No Answers But Pretend I Know It All
Lord Break The Walls
I'm Scared But Ready To Let Go Again
So Here's My Wounded Infected Heart
But I Can't Stop The Screaming Soul
Help Me Kill The Flesh Around
Let Me Lay Upon That Altar Once More
Allow Me To Take The Pounding Weight Off
Carry My Cross Because It's Breaking My Shoulders
I Can't Fight This Battle Alone
The Enemies Are Already Inside
All I Have Left Is My Crying To You
Be The Healer I Know You Are
Take Your Soldier Back
Stop The Bleeding And Train Me Up
I Need Your Knowledge And Power To Prevail
I'm Begging For Your Mercy
I'm Pleding For Your Grace
You've Never Forsaken Me
Yet I Still Wander And Do Things On My Own
Hold My Heart Close As It Breaks Apart
Let It Tune Back To The Rythm Of Yours
Let Me Go Again As Your Servant
Proclaiming How Great Of A Master
And Father and Lover You Truely Are
Here I Am Lord, Send Me!

hopefully hopeing

I cry constently right now...but I pretend to be strong. I mean come on, do you know who I am? Soemtimes I don't think I even know who I am... I know the simple things about me, like name and age, I know somethings that I like and dislike. Who I am is still lost to me...am I defined by what my friends say?, or what my enemies shout?, or what my brain thinks about myself? I tell people constantly that the bible tells them who they are, That God says we are these beautiful creations made by Him, yet my heart longs to actually grasp that. I know sometimes I believe it... most of the time I will delight in knowing that I am God's child, but the lies of my past still feel stuck to me. I know God scrubbed them off, but I can still remember what it was like to wear the thought/name/feeling. I know that we all struggle with knowing who we are, that for some reason I feel like it's a constant struggle to make something about oneself better.

After some long conversations with people I love my heart ached. I hadn't felt so broken in a long time. I watched more people I truely care about decide that it's been too long, that the time for my healing is taking too long and that there's no longer hope. That I'm clearly not pressing foreward enough and life isn't changing. I've been stunned for the past few days, wondering if I'm really not going to ever change. Am I settling again? Where is God in my decisions? Do I really want to be bound to constant moving and fast food jobs? Where is the passion in my life being placed?

I screamed at a friend, not because of anything they did, but we were discussing life... I cried out, explained how much I get frustrated with people looking at me like I'm failing and don't really have a plan in life. Leaving college and not going back anytime soon makes people mad, and sometimes I want to go back just to make them happy, but that would be wrong. The fact that I have a job, and want to just keep odd jobs, that I don't desire at all a career. In my eyes missions is a career, That i need a job to support it yes, But I want missions to come first. I don't want to be full time job and part time missions... Most people don't understand that...and even the some that do can't define how I do it. That's between me and jesus...and I can't define it from anyone else.

So I'm standing back thinking about how I go after my hearts desires. How I get to go further into the missions filed, because every interaction can be a missions field. How I press into God to press onto life. I keep thinking about how my one friend had explained how they were sick and tired of living a life with out making a difference..which to them is life without meaning. So I dare to make a difference...I desire to be a world changer for Jesus...I don't know what that road looks like, but I know that God believes in me even in the hardest of times...

Untouchable

I listen to yet again another person mention how church is not ment for those who are perfect but for them whom are imperfect. It makes me wonder. I think first about how Jesus would look at most churches, but I know that is not a spot I desire to dig in because clearly I cannot throw the first stone, I must walk away from that. The second thing I think about is why? Why Jesus came for the imperfect yet we try so hard to be perfect? Why it is so hard for us to admit that we have imperfections? Or why is it so easy for us to notice the imperfections but so hard for us to understand grace and mercy and forgiveness?

I talk to quite a number of people, a lot of whom trust me with some of their hard struggles. I hear about struggles and burdens that blow my mind away. I think of my past struggles even my present ones and it sometimes boggles me. Like sometimes I just cry out, just wonder Oh God of Jacob where are you? What a mark that sin has left on all of us, what a need for a savior.

I think it takes time for us to realize how much we need a savior though, and I also believe its not something that you can just tell someone and by you telling they change (Gods gotta work in them). But I guess everything takes time, takes work, takes understanding.

As this week for me has beena week of trials and tribulations, a time to really seek Him whole heartly, to ask for wisedom and guidance, to reflect on that horribly beautiful cross, and the amazement and wonder of the empty tomb! It gets my stomach turning, I question how someone could endure so much for me, how could God love me that much, how could Jesus care that much that He was willing to suffer for me, to understand my pain and everyone elses, to take on the sin I try so hard to cover. I think about when I get a bruise and some pains, like when I sprained my hand, how much I was in pain, I couldn't handle the cross, I would run scared. But then oh that tomb, where everything I have done wrong was really made right, want to speak miracles and power...talk about that tomb. Talk about how my savior conqured it all. How He defeated death, the strongest sin in life, how He didn't boast about it either, how He humbly defeated it, just for us, just for me. As I type that I get shivers.

God didn't come for the perfect and Jesus' life proved that. Jesus' friends were sinners, that admitted that were sinners and turned there lifes around to follow Him. Jesus doesn't expect you to be perfect, and thats one of my favorite parts of this amazing relationship. I can mess up as many times as I need but as long as I turn my focus to God eachtime its ok, its fine. No matter what I do God will never stop loving me, no matter what you have done/do or plan on doing God doesn't stop loving you. You can't earn that by doing good. Its given to the untouchables no questions asked. I believe Gods love is a greater thing to have then all the fame, than alll the riches, then anything in this world. Gods grace can not be earned either, its just there. Along with mercy. Those two are incredible. Nothing I did could allow me Gods good grace and despite anything I do Gods mercy covers it all. What an amzing God we have, what an amazing Father, Oh how He loves.

Scars

I was reading a great book the other day, and it got me thinking. The authors interpretation of how Jesus interacted with the Disiples after his resurection really intreged me. He pointed out how Jesus told the disiples to look at his feet, which was kinda showing that ghost don't have feet so Jesus couldn't be a ghost. But what really made a wheel turn inside was when the author wrote about and took directly from the bible Jesus and thomas' interactions. How thomas needed to feel the wounds to believe, how he need to touch to understand, and how Jesus was like go ahead, touch it thomas, its ok, feel my scars for you.
Literally not ten minutes afte that i was on the phone with one of my dearest friends. I called her up with a question, the question was really stuck in my head, and although I feel as though I have asked before. This friend had touched my scars, I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was for me. I used to be a cutter, and it was just a little while after my cutting that she had felt them. She had come to visit me and I was afriad...which sounds weird but I sort of struggled with the fact of her actually loving me in person (we chatted on the phone for the most part). I remember watching her on the other side of the couch but still afriad to speak, which made her crack jokes and try to get me to say something. and then she asked to see them, man my stomach turned, I was afriad, if I showed them they were real, I was the thomas of this story, i doubted myself and doubted the power of love, I reluctantly raised my hoodie and she gentlelymoved her hand up and down the fresh cuts that were scaring up. Going back to the fact that I called her after reading (man I sidetrack) I asked her why? why did she ask to se them and then touch them? my mind was trying tot wrap around it all. She explained to show I was still worthyof love despite my scars. Thats my wording on it not hers... i like despite my scars, i think she said even with my scars.
my arm still has scars, but despite them I am moving foreward. even with them i am moving foreward. Just as jesus scars showed all that He wwent through to save us, my scars so my battle to find something to defeat evil, i am in no way comparing ym little marks on my arm to the greatest sacrific in the sense that its that important...I am just saying that my scars are a living testimony to what i have been through and how i got towhere i am. Scars all tell stories.