Thursday, April 17, 2025

Frozen

 

Death doesn’t stop the fear

Frozen in time

Scared to breathe

Nothing anyone says 

Comes through clearly

A monster so big

A child so small

Frail bones and flushed skin

The quiver raises and lowers in my throat

Head shakes again

Moments so vile

There should not be this power struggle 

Yet I shut down to my core

At the mention of it all

Folding inside like a paper crane

Disguises don’t help

Every inch of me wants to scream

But I sit silent and frozen

Replaying horrors so deep

Nightmares seem more welcoming

Than these childhood memories 


Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Beauty

When I say you are beautiful
I mean that you move me
Like a pebble tumbling through the sea
You capture my attention
Like ivy crawling up a cobblestone cottage
I dream of the intertwining of limbs
When I say you are stunning
I mean like a flash of lightening
Over a valley on a crisp spring evening 
Your edges so fierce and powerful
Set apart from the background of our sheets
When I say you are sweet
I mean like a field of flowers 
On a cool summer day
Your breath breezes my neck 
And I’m lost in your scent 
When I say you are lovely
I mean your eyes are like embers
Glistening and glowing
Sparking and crackling the fire that dances from the way you smile 
When I say you are delightful
I mean I am lost and found at the same time
Like a waterfall your love surges up 
And pours over me like I’m the bank edges below
When I say you are enticing
I mean that all the moments 
That I have experienced that are so pleasant 
Pale in comparison 
I mean that I can’t adequately use my senses
Or any words I know
To explain how you captivate my being
Drawing me in with wonder and joy
You are beautiful, you are sweet
You are stunning, you are lovely
You are enticing, you are delightful

Sunday, March 29, 2020

The mirror isn’t me


Sometimes I can’t get my brain
To fall into place
I try to close my eyes
And slow my heart rate to the pace
Of the sounds pumping in my ears
Desperately pleading internally
To let go of these fears
To rise above it all
To look in the mirror
And fucking get that
It’s truly me
So I blink twice, add a hat
But I’m still not me yet
Bend myself over the sink
Splash some water 
On my face and take a drink
Repeating the date over again
Sometimes it’s hard to explain
How much I fight to be to present
To be able use both body and brain 
Rub my eyes and shake my head 
Try to remove the haze
Trace my hand up my arm
Count the letters in the tattoos
Internal voices rage as I fight
Pleading with myself
“Please just let me be, alright”
I struggle whether to sit or stand
If I sit they surely will win
I feel my fist ball up
But it’s like I’m not there at all
Pain surges as I watch the knuckles bleed
“Was this what you need?”
There’s a laugh
A response echos from my throat
“Didn’t you like it though?”
The fight has removed itself from 
My mind and onto the door
Slamming my head 
Feeling the wood as it hits the pores
I shake, there’s a scream
“Hush now kiddos it’s okay”
Internal ushers move them away
Out of sight, but still in this 
Wretched mind
Peace isn’t something I easily find 
A voice bellows out from the depths
“Enough of this nonsense”
I crack my neck, smooth my shirt
And rise once more
I hear the music again
Blasting through my headphones
I look at the time and move on
There’s too much to do today...

Saturday, December 28, 2019

Remember December

Sometimes the holiday season 
Leaves a sour taste in my mind
Like a war head, so bitter
My brain plays tricks on me
Flashbacks grip at my shirt
And cling to my soul
But still I stand back up
Listen for the sound of the drum
And I continue
To have hope
Of something more
Something brighter
I reflect on how I used to shrug it all away
With a twisted face and quiet words
“Christmas just doesn’t work out for me”
This year emotions mixed hard
Like rocks grinding in a polisher
With every rough hit
There was a subtle smooth spot
I sat in a church
Staring at a cross
Reflecting and feeling everything move
Memories of good and bad
How much of my life happened 
Around tradition and religion
Yet there’s something about
Kneeling at a pew
That has always made me wonder
what love really means and 
Why sacrifice is related to it so often
The beauty in the story of a savior
And even at birth people giving their all
The wisemen and Shepards come in
But my favorite has always been
That little drummer boy
What a gift to play a beat that begins 
The March of a life here to save us all
I close my eyes to hear the tempo
To sink back into reality
I feel the pew against my back
Hear the bells of the kids
As joy to the world plays
And I think about my joys in life
Does Christmas really not work out?
Cause I come home each day
And I have some much
Maybe Christmas is more
Than presents and quick words
From rough relatives
Christmas is a rough time for me still
But I refuse to toss it all away
Because despite the pain
I can make more powerful 
Memories of joy and love

Presently stuck in the past

Paralyzed by emotions
Which is ironic
Because they pound through 
Me
Swift like an undertow
I choke down the tears
Trying desperately 
To ensure I show no fear
Sometimes words aren’t right
Like nothing could describe
The turmoil and muck
That churns my stomach
And unsteadies my heart
Breathing slowly
Rhythmic pattern
In hopes to ground
Shaking my head
And presenting with
A sour smile
The bitterness of memories
Dance on my tongue
And burn my senses
Blinding the current
Getting swept in the chaos
But pleading within
To not let me go there
Not again

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Worlds can melt...

I've thought of how to compare you to the sky
I've pondered on how many sunrises and sunsets my eyes have seen in this life
I've searched for words, in the past, to describe the colors, the swirls of hues that sizzle to and from the horizon
But, as I gaze at your lips the colors are more magnificent than those I've ever seen from the sky
The pinks and peach with a small freckle poking through, just enough that you have to really look to find it
The way your lips curl like the mountains I've stood by as the sun drifted from the sky
I thought about the night sky, the way the stars shimmer so bright
I've reflected on past meteor showers that light up the darkness with flashes of wonder and wishes
And then, your eyes, your eyes could beat out any night sky, the glistening look you give when you are excited
The sparkle that surges through them making the colors show at a depth further than the moon from this spot
I thought and thought about how I could compare you to the skies and galaxies
But how can you compare someone that is your whole world to something as small as galaxies
How could I explain to anyone how your love warms the darkest coldest day like the sun on a frosty December morning
How could I express how your words have more pull on my heart than the moon on the oceans, as I crash and pulse harder with each "I love you" whispered from your mouth

I want to be an astronaut for you, I want to explore and trace and discover everything I can about you
Until you are mapped on my body and soul forever, because you are always going to be brighter than the stars to me

Monday, July 30, 2018

PTSD

PTSD
Four letters
That can strike at any point
One moment you are out having a good time...And BAM!
Like a brick wall you run into it all
Those words, those memories
The felling won’t come off of you
Like seaweed it sticks to your dry skin
Cracking and covering you up
Crashing like a hurricane, but the forecast didn’t even call for rain
You try to shake it all off
But how do you remove rubble that is invisible?
How do you yell to others to let them know you’ve been trapped?
How do you handle the crushing weight on your chest?
Barely breathing to conserve your energy
Those four letters that stop my day so often...
One may question how four little letters can cause such strife
Until you are stuck in the past, trying desperately to get back to life
PTSD