I've been thinking a lot. Sometimes that's not a good thing. Words blast thru my head faster than ever. The interesting parts of my ADHD; thoughts go in and out so quickly and string together in unsual ways.
I was talking to some one the other day about rape and murder. They remarked that they wished they could just like tattoo the person that does these bad things with a name for what they did. I didn't agree, my thought on it was why should we label them with their sins when God doesn't do the same... Why should we judge them of being everything they did with no hope of change? That person told me i'm a better person than they are.
But then i'm thinking I'm a great big hypocrite. Although I don't like labeling others I constantly place negative labels on myself.... they may not be as bad as they used to..... but it's still not what God says about me. I'm not allowing God all that He is by limiting what I think I can be or do. Ive always said God doesn't make junk, which is completely true. Yet I'm still blocking myself of the idea of being like Him, being holy, rightoues, lovely.
I've been questioning a lot lately. I've just felt like my life just wasn't making progress. I got angry with God because I started placing parts of my life above my relationship with Him and I allowed those things to cloud my mind. I started wearing the weight of my problems and pains on my back, like they were mine to hold again. I know I didn't have to carry them, I could have easly taken everything I had and laid it down at His feet. Silly me, I wanted to have control again in life, and well I'm not ment to control this life. I ended the life I had control of the moment I decided yes I will follow God. So there I was taking the life I gave to God back and getting frustrated because I couldn't do it on my own and follow Him. I opened the door of my heart for anything and everything that could enter it.
Man did things enter. The places in my heart that I hadn't given God control of yet started to take over. Destroying the beauty God placed in, defiling the holiness, twisting the lines of what is truely right. Darkness consumed as much as it could. The open wounds of my life got re infected. The demons that have been on me since that first sin against me got control for the first time in a long time. It was horrible yet part of me wanted to experience it.
I knew I wouldn't follow God whole heartedly until I tried on my own again. Which sounds rediculous, but I had placed false ideas on God that He didn't deserve and I needed to know that yes He is my savior all and all. I compared God to humans, I blamed Him for things He never did. I allowed the lies of the devil to sink in till I started to try to make it truth. But God didn't hurt me, He never will!
A line from a song by John Reuben played over in my head, " How can I convince them when I'm not even conviced?" How can I be convinced though if I'm not seeking? You can know things about a person but if you aren't talking to them how do you expect to know more?
I've been a hypocrite in many ways in life lately. Labeling myself things that God does not say I am,while trying not to label others. talking with friends and telling them they need to let go of one thing or antoher and seek God's view of them, while I was clinging to many things to here the postive things I wanted in life.
I guess I'm writing just to keep track of life and such. I desire to jump deeper and place God first always...in everything. Not just the parts I want to give. I know that me seeking God makes my impact so much greater in this world. And I'm ready to step up and dive.... because we are all here to make the world a better place if we try and give it all. I think this verse from a song by JJ Heller puts where I am at in life best, "There are true things, inside of me I have been afraid to see, I believe, help my unbelief, Would you say again what you said to me, I am loved and I am free I believe, help my unbelief."
I've been so caught up on finding the missing pieces of the puzzle of my life that I failed to realize how complete the puzzle is getting. I wanted God to put more pieces together but He wanted me to see how much it was complete. How beautiful a picture it makes when I let Him put it together, so I drop the pieces I think should belong and allow Him to place what He desires.
They play a song at our church alot. It's called Moving Foreward. I dont always like hearing it. I always remember the first time I heard it and then feel bad for not being where I think I should be in life. I sat in the church last time it was played and just talked to God about it. I went to Him hurt asking why this song keeps coming up. What God said to me about it was not at all what I expected. He asked me if I remember the first time I heard the song. Which I was like of course, Joshua Revolution, it was when I first heard you tell me to do missions. He kinda just smiled on me and said "you know what I rememeber Amanda?" Which made me laugh and be like I dunno, You are God tell me what You remember... He told me He remembered how much of a struggle I had actually going to the conference, how much was blocking me from Him at that point , and how when that song started playing that I dropped to my face and surrendered everything up, How I was desperate for Him and how it made Him delighted. That He couldn't wait to share some of the future plans He had for me since I gave Him everything. I was shocked. I feel like I'm not where I should be and God remembers that I surrendered to Him? He then asked me what happened, how did I get so far away.... It's a heart breaking thing to hear.
I ready now. To move foreward, to hide in His wings alone. Here I Am Lord, But please just let me lay close and heal before You send me. I'm willing to go but not until You are my all.
