these nights

Music blasting, playing games, it will be ok. My mind threatens to vetunre into the darkness. Trying to block out all the thoughts. These nights are the ones I long for morning, cause all I feel is mourning. Sometimes I don't know how I made it this far, why I'm still alive. When there's been so many lost lifes. So many friends that never got to see thirty, so much of me longs to write and tell their stories. To impact the world with their lifes, cause they impacted mine so much. I'll never forget the smiles, the jokes, the way each person brightened a room as they entered. How much it touched me that they knew me and supported me. And then here I sit so discourged from my past, my present, the future. These nights the pain stings much deeper, and I long desperately to help others that feel like this. Those who've been negleted, forgetten, abused. Those who doubt so much about them, struggling to love themselves. To know what love means. These nights when I want to run from where i lay and just yell on a street corner... CANT YOU SEE THE HURT IN THE WORLD, WE NEED TO FIX IT! These nights when I dream of being someone to impact the world but am so scared of making any choice. These nights when I battle the flashbacks, and the effects they left me with. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. But I guess crazy is ok. These nights are rough, but I'm never defeated, for some reason I am still alive, I still have a chance to change myself and make an impact for the greater. But on this night I sit here fighting to keep myself together...cause I know it will just be another one of these nights