I've thought of how to compare you to the sky
I've pondered on how many sunrises and sunsets my eyes have seen in this life
I've searched for words, in the past, to describe the colors, the swirls of hues that sizzle to and from the horizon
But, as I gaze at your lips the colors are more magnificent than those I've ever seen from the sky
The pinks and peach with a small freckle poking through, just enough that you have to really look to find it
The way your lips curl like the mountains I've stood by as the sun drifted from the sky
I thought about the night sky, the way the stars shimmer so bright
I've reflected on past meteor showers that light up the darkness with flashes of wonder and wishes
And then, your eyes, your eyes could beat out any night sky, the glistening look you give when you are excited
The sparkle that surges through them making the colors show at a depth further than the moon from this spot
I thought and thought about how I could compare you to the skies and galaxies
But how can you compare someone that is your whole world to something as small as galaxies
How could I explain to anyone how your love warms the darkest coldest day like the sun on a frosty December morning
How could I express how your words have more pull on my heart than the moon on the oceans, as I crash and pulse harder with each "I love you" whispered from your mouth
I want to be an astronaut for you, I want to explore and trace and discover everything I can about you
Until you are mapped on my body and soul forever, because you are always going to be brighter than the stars to me
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Monday, July 30, 2018
PTSD
PTSD
Four letters
That can strike at any point
One moment you are out having a good time...And BAM!
Like a brick wall you run into it all
Those words, those memories
The felling won’t come off of you
Like seaweed it sticks to your dry skin
Cracking and covering you up
Crashing like a hurricane, but the forecast didn’t even call for rain
You try to shake it all off
But how do you remove rubble that is invisible?
How do you yell to others to let them know you’ve been trapped?
How do you handle the crushing weight on your chest?
Barely breathing to conserve your energy
Those four letters that stop my day so often...
One may question how four little letters can cause such strife
Until you are stuck in the past, trying desperately to get back to life
PTSD
Four letters
That can strike at any point
One moment you are out having a good time...And BAM!
Like a brick wall you run into it all
Those words, those memories
The felling won’t come off of you
Like seaweed it sticks to your dry skin
Cracking and covering you up
Crashing like a hurricane, but the forecast didn’t even call for rain
You try to shake it all off
But how do you remove rubble that is invisible?
How do you yell to others to let them know you’ve been trapped?
How do you handle the crushing weight on your chest?
Barely breathing to conserve your energy
Those four letters that stop my day so often...
One may question how four little letters can cause such strife
Until you are stuck in the past, trying desperately to get back to life
PTSD
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Pivotal puzzle points and Awareness
I've been contemplating all month (I know it's only five days into the month...) about whether or not I would write about this topic. But, today at work made the decision for me.
So I guess I'm going to start with some background information about my day and go from there. Today I woke up at six thirty after getting under four hours of sleep, I woke up miserable and exhausted and was bummed it was only Wednesday. I grabbed a banana and headed off to physical therapy. I had wrote down the wrong time and happened to arrive about thirty minutes before my appointment (actually thirty five because I cannot stand being late to anything). As I met with my physical therapist my mood lightened a little as we joked on my newest injury. I had a ten minute nap between therapy and preparing food for my day before work. Preparing food is like my least favorite task lately, I have switched to Gluten free due to my doctors thinking I might have Celiac disease (waiting on biopsy results still). I have been a mess since changing the diet, always hungry and irritable due to trying new foods (which means new textures). I got to work already spent for the day and sat down to think of how I could make my day easier. I work as a counselor at a congregate care facility ( in laymen terms a little more freedom than a group home for people with mental health diagnosis). About ten minutes into my shift the printer was broken and for some reason that was enough for me to not want to do anything. An hour goes by and I have a conversation that is the reason I will write today.
If you made it this far into my story bravo! Sometimes I add too much, or not enough, or irrelevant information.
I have written before of the struggles of having different physical and mental health issues. I have expressed the issues with having serve ADHD, with having a multi senses sensory processing disorder, with my recent physical health diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. There's one diagnosis though that I struggle to talk too much about. I have just started being proactive on different things I could utilize to help me perform any task to the best of my ability. I have been getting better at disclosing the appropriate information about why my mannerisms and behaviors aren't exactly like my neurotypical friends and coworkers. I have been called quirky, weird, unique, one of a kind, and many not so nice names because of how I act and react in day to day activities. I used to roll it off my back and not want to say the words, but here goes nothing, I am Autistic. I am on the spectrum and received an official diagnosis in college where I was terrified of what people would think if they knew. Within the past year though I have learned to embrace those words, to hold the power to educate and advocate to make my interactions easier on all parties involved.
The year 1990, such an important one for so many reasons. One being I was born into this world, two (which is way more important) being the ADA ACT getting passed. Now flash forward into the present day, I am a counselor for a non-profit organization and I am someone who is covered under this ACT. My supervisor has been incredible with allowing some accommodations for my mental and physical issues that arise. I can use headphones when I can't focus on my billing, I can adjust my schedule accordingly to fit in all the doctors and physical therapy I need. Although today took the cake so to say for how she views accommodations. Today I was literally sliding off a coworker's chair in their office (trying to provide pressure to my back to help soothe me), two coworkers kinda questioned what I was doing. So me being me and being on the verge of a meltdown exclaimed how I was irritable and just wanted blankie time but I knew I couldn't have it until I got home. My supervisor had popped by at this point and I was asked what exactly blankie time was. I explained that just like I use headphones to help calm me or rock or walk around the office, I have this blankie that helps soothe me. I explained how the blankie overstimulates mutliple sensory inputs and I can take a few minutes with my blankie and it's like a factory reset. I become much more calm and relaxed and can better handle situations. My supervisor nonchalantly stated that I could bring my blankie to work as it was a reasonable accommodation. I COULD BRING MY BLANKIE TO WORK!!! This was a game changing statement for me. Since I had disclosed about me being on the spectrum, since they have seen me work better on rough days from other accommodations, since they have taken time to understand that sometimes I just need to adjust my environment so I can thrive at my job, since the ADA ACT is not just a piece of paper to them, I can accommodate in ways that will really show how good I can be in my position.
And that folks is why a month exists for awareness, because they are aware they can accommodate. Because of accommodations I have been able to show my full abilities as a counselor, I was promoted quickly in the company, I was able to impress the director and higher ups in with my work, and most importantly I am able to function well enough so I can advocate and assist my clients in all the areas they need.
So I guess I'm going to start with some background information about my day and go from there. Today I woke up at six thirty after getting under four hours of sleep, I woke up miserable and exhausted and was bummed it was only Wednesday. I grabbed a banana and headed off to physical therapy. I had wrote down the wrong time and happened to arrive about thirty minutes before my appointment (actually thirty five because I cannot stand being late to anything). As I met with my physical therapist my mood lightened a little as we joked on my newest injury. I had a ten minute nap between therapy and preparing food for my day before work. Preparing food is like my least favorite task lately, I have switched to Gluten free due to my doctors thinking I might have Celiac disease (waiting on biopsy results still). I have been a mess since changing the diet, always hungry and irritable due to trying new foods (which means new textures). I got to work already spent for the day and sat down to think of how I could make my day easier. I work as a counselor at a congregate care facility ( in laymen terms a little more freedom than a group home for people with mental health diagnosis). About ten minutes into my shift the printer was broken and for some reason that was enough for me to not want to do anything. An hour goes by and I have a conversation that is the reason I will write today.
If you made it this far into my story bravo! Sometimes I add too much, or not enough, or irrelevant information.
I have written before of the struggles of having different physical and mental health issues. I have expressed the issues with having serve ADHD, with having a multi senses sensory processing disorder, with my recent physical health diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. There's one diagnosis though that I struggle to talk too much about. I have just started being proactive on different things I could utilize to help me perform any task to the best of my ability. I have been getting better at disclosing the appropriate information about why my mannerisms and behaviors aren't exactly like my neurotypical friends and coworkers. I have been called quirky, weird, unique, one of a kind, and many not so nice names because of how I act and react in day to day activities. I used to roll it off my back and not want to say the words, but here goes nothing, I am Autistic. I am on the spectrum and received an official diagnosis in college where I was terrified of what people would think if they knew. Within the past year though I have learned to embrace those words, to hold the power to educate and advocate to make my interactions easier on all parties involved.
The year 1990, such an important one for so many reasons. One being I was born into this world, two (which is way more important) being the ADA ACT getting passed. Now flash forward into the present day, I am a counselor for a non-profit organization and I am someone who is covered under this ACT. My supervisor has been incredible with allowing some accommodations for my mental and physical issues that arise. I can use headphones when I can't focus on my billing, I can adjust my schedule accordingly to fit in all the doctors and physical therapy I need. Although today took the cake so to say for how she views accommodations. Today I was literally sliding off a coworker's chair in their office (trying to provide pressure to my back to help soothe me), two coworkers kinda questioned what I was doing. So me being me and being on the verge of a meltdown exclaimed how I was irritable and just wanted blankie time but I knew I couldn't have it until I got home. My supervisor had popped by at this point and I was asked what exactly blankie time was. I explained that just like I use headphones to help calm me or rock or walk around the office, I have this blankie that helps soothe me. I explained how the blankie overstimulates mutliple sensory inputs and I can take a few minutes with my blankie and it's like a factory reset. I become much more calm and relaxed and can better handle situations. My supervisor nonchalantly stated that I could bring my blankie to work as it was a reasonable accommodation. I COULD BRING MY BLANKIE TO WORK!!! This was a game changing statement for me. Since I had disclosed about me being on the spectrum, since they have seen me work better on rough days from other accommodations, since they have taken time to understand that sometimes I just need to adjust my environment so I can thrive at my job, since the ADA ACT is not just a piece of paper to them, I can accommodate in ways that will really show how good I can be in my position.
And that folks is why a month exists for awareness, because they are aware they can accommodate. Because of accommodations I have been able to show my full abilities as a counselor, I was promoted quickly in the company, I was able to impress the director and higher ups in with my work, and most importantly I am able to function well enough so I can advocate and assist my clients in all the areas they need.
Thursday, February 16, 2017
For the nights that it seems too rough
Honestly, it has been so hard to get my thoughts and feelings out. I struggle to comprehend the place I should be in life, the steps I take to go from where I was from to where I would like to be. I feel like a kid playing dress up some days, but the ironic thing is the dress clothes I wear tend to be too small for my stature. See, I never thought I'd make it this far in life, I lived in a cycle of depression that has kept me from really grasping the idea of a future. I say lived, but, truthfully I struggle day to day with the depression still. I'm grateful that I have a support group and had one for over the past ten years. I have come so far and it has been the help of so many that have gotten me out of some dark places. This time around though, I felt so embarrassed to reach out for help. I'm not in the places I was before, I have an apartment, I have a nice car, I have a job in my career field (hell I even have my own office), I have a supportive girlfriend, I have some solid supports. Yet, I get nervous to admit that I struggle still.
I saw this comic the other day, it said "its just like riding a bike, or child abuse, you never forget". I laughed for it was so true. I may be in my field, I may be a counselor by day, but at night my life is filled with the tremors and torments from the past. The sweat soaked screams from the horrific nightmares and flashbacks that flood the dark hours get tucked away for a later day. Because, the ability to find a counselor while being a counselor is much harder than I thought it would be. Some days i get fearful that I'll never be able to live past the past. I hear the stories from others that are much older about how the nightmares never truly let up. I've told myself time after time that it is just because they don't work on my recovery like I did.
I struggle at night, but the morning brings another day. It brings another good morning call from my girl as we wake up apart in distance but still together. It brings another trip to Tim Horton's to grab a drink and a fist bump from the friendly drive-thru guys. It brings another day of fumbling with my keys while I try to balance the bags as I open my office door. It brings countless phone calls to other providers and the county with long hold times and great jokes from coworkers during the hold. It brings doctor appointments and gym days. It bring criminal minds binge watching with my cousin.
It's hard to put everything in place like it should. Trying to decide how much a of impact my past will have on my future. I know it is part of my story, but it is not the whole story, yet I don't want to hide it away. I want to work through it, I want to be able to stand tall and say that did happen, that is where I came from, but it didn't destroy me, I have overcome so much and continue to surpass what I thought I could be. It is okay to still ask for help and struggle with these thoughts though.
I saw this comic the other day, it said "its just like riding a bike, or child abuse, you never forget". I laughed for it was so true. I may be in my field, I may be a counselor by day, but at night my life is filled with the tremors and torments from the past. The sweat soaked screams from the horrific nightmares and flashbacks that flood the dark hours get tucked away for a later day. Because, the ability to find a counselor while being a counselor is much harder than I thought it would be. Some days i get fearful that I'll never be able to live past the past. I hear the stories from others that are much older about how the nightmares never truly let up. I've told myself time after time that it is just because they don't work on my recovery like I did.
I struggle at night, but the morning brings another day. It brings another good morning call from my girl as we wake up apart in distance but still together. It brings another trip to Tim Horton's to grab a drink and a fist bump from the friendly drive-thru guys. It brings another day of fumbling with my keys while I try to balance the bags as I open my office door. It brings countless phone calls to other providers and the county with long hold times and great jokes from coworkers during the hold. It brings doctor appointments and gym days. It bring criminal minds binge watching with my cousin.
It's hard to put everything in place like it should. Trying to decide how much a of impact my past will have on my future. I know it is part of my story, but it is not the whole story, yet I don't want to hide it away. I want to work through it, I want to be able to stand tall and say that did happen, that is where I came from, but it didn't destroy me, I have overcome so much and continue to surpass what I thought I could be. It is okay to still ask for help and struggle with these thoughts though.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
To Dream
Can I just tell you that I used to dream,
sometimes
That I'd love to dream once more
But when it starts
I freeze, I choke
People say that ADHD
Makes your mind run fast
Too quick to catch up
But when mixed with my fears
These thoughts crawl
so slow, like molasses
I fall into a pit of quicksand
Where nothing can exist
I hardly see the moment in time
let alone a future
These dreams, they stopped
Because these fears can crush it all
It comes down to a mindset
I strive to dream, to become someone
To be more than this, to want more than this
But I feel frozen, stuck to ground
Wishing I could melt away
And when I do, when I finally start to
People say I am too fluttery
I flap around like a wounded bird
Can't you see though
the caged bird doesn't remember just how to fly
How can my dreams take flight
If I've barely adjusted to see through this meek light
When I hope, its a burden
When I press towards a goal, it becomes an Olympic sport
So I grit my teeth and show my muscles
Fighting everything blindly
Coming up with more battles scars
People say to focus, and practice makes perfect
But I'm looking through a busted kaleidoscope
And these life patterns that have taught me
I'm far from perfect, I'm far from right
That repetition of hurt words that make their mark
Leaving much more than a wounded heart
Stuck on the pain, and the beauty of these fragmented pieces
I see the world much different than before
People say time heals all things
Well I'll tell you in due time
Why this broken, cage-freed bird sings
The life spent stuck in my fears wanting to hope,
The sweat, the blood, the tears
Has made the most interesting masterpiece
I've seen so far, It leaves me breathless
Can I tell I wish to dream once more?
That I want to leave a different type of mark
One to show that I'm no longer stuck,
I might still be fragile, but I am free
I'm no longer held down by anything,
Or anyone,
No. Not even me.
Can I tell you that people may say a lot
But I say there is no need worry, just a need
To dream once more.
sometimes
That I'd love to dream once more
But when it starts
I freeze, I choke
People say that ADHD
Makes your mind run fast
Too quick to catch up
But when mixed with my fears
These thoughts crawl
so slow, like molasses
I fall into a pit of quicksand
Where nothing can exist
I hardly see the moment in time
let alone a future
These dreams, they stopped
Because these fears can crush it all
It comes down to a mindset
I strive to dream, to become someone
To be more than this, to want more than this
But I feel frozen, stuck to ground
Wishing I could melt away
And when I do, when I finally start to
People say I am too fluttery
I flap around like a wounded bird
Can't you see though
the caged bird doesn't remember just how to fly
How can my dreams take flight
If I've barely adjusted to see through this meek light
When I hope, its a burden
When I press towards a goal, it becomes an Olympic sport
So I grit my teeth and show my muscles
Fighting everything blindly
Coming up with more battles scars
People say to focus, and practice makes perfect
But I'm looking through a busted kaleidoscope
And these life patterns that have taught me
I'm far from perfect, I'm far from right
That repetition of hurt words that make their mark
Leaving much more than a wounded heart
Stuck on the pain, and the beauty of these fragmented pieces
I see the world much different than before
People say time heals all things
Well I'll tell you in due time
Why this broken, cage-freed bird sings
The life spent stuck in my fears wanting to hope,
The sweat, the blood, the tears
Has made the most interesting masterpiece
I've seen so far, It leaves me breathless
Can I tell I wish to dream once more?
That I want to leave a different type of mark
One to show that I'm no longer stuck,
I might still be fragile, but I am free
I'm no longer held down by anything,
Or anyone,
No. Not even me.
Can I tell you that people may say a lot
But I say there is no need worry, just a need
To dream once more.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Emotions and Times
So I'm sitting alone in my apartment, I feel the engulfing over take of a sad mood. But, it's more than a sad mood, the depression kicks me down so hard. Which I do not have a reason to be depressed today. Honestly over the past week I've had some of the greatest times of my life with great news and things I have secretly desired for years come to a front. And yet, here I am feeling miserable because my depression is sinking me in a rut while I'm alone on my 25th birthday.
I should be ecstatic, I should be singing from roof tops and having a face fixed with smiles. There are small bursts of happy sounds and then there are overly forced smiles while trying to explain to my friends that I appreciate their thoughts and their gifts. I mean that sincerely. I am absolutely floored with amazement with the outpouring of love and presents I got around my birthday. So many friends and family and strangers wished me a happy birthday. I have received presents that are far greater than I could ever have expected. I feel so loved, yet this depression makes me feel so lonely. It makes no sense in my mind. How I could feel so lost and lonely when things are going so well?
Depression is a crazy thing. I don't always like to admit I have depression or that sometimes it makes it so hard to explain that although things are beyond amazing in my life right now my brain is just giving me the wrong chemicals, the wrong emotions, the opposite of how I should feel. BUT, I should stop myself and change that outlook. HERE I AM complaining about having the wrong emotions on my birthday, but how can it be the wrong emotion? Emotions are just emotions. I don't think there are necessarily right and wrong emotions, just that sometimes they get jumbled and confused and aren't what should be expected. So I feel lonely and a deep sadness on my birthday, BUT I keep reminding myself it will pass and most importantly it is okay that I feel this way.
As I stated, I have had some great news in this past week. One of the greatest things ever has been being told that the doctors don't think the seizures are epileptic in nature but that they are coming from the medications I have been getting placed on for the past two years. Which is very interesting for me to explain, because it starts with me admitting to myself and others that I had a drinking problem that got severe, I stopped drinking too drastically and caused my body withdrawal shock that led to me having the first two seizures and from then on my life consisted of seizing rather frequently and many tests and struggles. But, now two years later I'm given the news from doctors after a week long stay with hardcore observations and discussions that the medication I have been on has probably caused every other seizure I've had...and without these medications life can go back to almost normal. This is a great thing to hear. Not that epilepsy is a horrible thing to have, there is just a lot of lifestyle changes and hoops to jump through if you have it. And now two years after being told they think I have epilepsy, I have been told they most certainly do not think I have epilepsy. I am relieved to hear that I may never have to worry about seizing again. I'm not out of the clear just yet, they do not know if some of the blanking out and other issues I have had are from medication or from other health issues. But today has been nine days without any medication and I have yet to seize. I have pushed pass my limits this past week and have gotten my body exhausted... and nothing happened. Which makes me believe the doctors were correct on their theory about it being from medication. Hopefully I will be seizure free forever now, and to that I should be so incredibly happy.
I should be incredibly happy, it's what I desire to be, but today I just can't. I can get as far as content with the day but that's even hard to feel. And then I feel bad for feeling bad. But inside deep down beneath those every flowing strong emotions there is a part of me that knows things are great even if my emotions do not feel that way. I am ALIVE, I am TWENTY FIVE. I am SEIZURE FREE. I am blessed with friends and family that love and care and support my life with every step and decision I make. I may not give people the best and brightest I LOVE YOU today, but know I love each and every person in my life. Depression makes my emotions feel so blah, but through the blah I know this is an emotion, this is a moment, this is a time and even though I feel so strong today, it is a day and it is completely okay for me to feel this way. I will smile one day soon. I will rejoice over everything that is happening, and I still appreciate greatly everyone that has made this week special even if it doesn't seem like it. I may have depression, it may be flaring up hardcore today, but I Am Amanda, and I know in my heart that love is greater than depression.
I should be ecstatic, I should be singing from roof tops and having a face fixed with smiles. There are small bursts of happy sounds and then there are overly forced smiles while trying to explain to my friends that I appreciate their thoughts and their gifts. I mean that sincerely. I am absolutely floored with amazement with the outpouring of love and presents I got around my birthday. So many friends and family and strangers wished me a happy birthday. I have received presents that are far greater than I could ever have expected. I feel so loved, yet this depression makes me feel so lonely. It makes no sense in my mind. How I could feel so lost and lonely when things are going so well?
Depression is a crazy thing. I don't always like to admit I have depression or that sometimes it makes it so hard to explain that although things are beyond amazing in my life right now my brain is just giving me the wrong chemicals, the wrong emotions, the opposite of how I should feel. BUT, I should stop myself and change that outlook. HERE I AM complaining about having the wrong emotions on my birthday, but how can it be the wrong emotion? Emotions are just emotions. I don't think there are necessarily right and wrong emotions, just that sometimes they get jumbled and confused and aren't what should be expected. So I feel lonely and a deep sadness on my birthday, BUT I keep reminding myself it will pass and most importantly it is okay that I feel this way.
As I stated, I have had some great news in this past week. One of the greatest things ever has been being told that the doctors don't think the seizures are epileptic in nature but that they are coming from the medications I have been getting placed on for the past two years. Which is very interesting for me to explain, because it starts with me admitting to myself and others that I had a drinking problem that got severe, I stopped drinking too drastically and caused my body withdrawal shock that led to me having the first two seizures and from then on my life consisted of seizing rather frequently and many tests and struggles. But, now two years later I'm given the news from doctors after a week long stay with hardcore observations and discussions that the medication I have been on has probably caused every other seizure I've had...and without these medications life can go back to almost normal. This is a great thing to hear. Not that epilepsy is a horrible thing to have, there is just a lot of lifestyle changes and hoops to jump through if you have it. And now two years after being told they think I have epilepsy, I have been told they most certainly do not think I have epilepsy. I am relieved to hear that I may never have to worry about seizing again. I'm not out of the clear just yet, they do not know if some of the blanking out and other issues I have had are from medication or from other health issues. But today has been nine days without any medication and I have yet to seize. I have pushed pass my limits this past week and have gotten my body exhausted... and nothing happened. Which makes me believe the doctors were correct on their theory about it being from medication. Hopefully I will be seizure free forever now, and to that I should be so incredibly happy.
I should be incredibly happy, it's what I desire to be, but today I just can't. I can get as far as content with the day but that's even hard to feel. And then I feel bad for feeling bad. But inside deep down beneath those every flowing strong emotions there is a part of me that knows things are great even if my emotions do not feel that way. I am ALIVE, I am TWENTY FIVE. I am SEIZURE FREE. I am blessed with friends and family that love and care and support my life with every step and decision I make. I may not give people the best and brightest I LOVE YOU today, but know I love each and every person in my life. Depression makes my emotions feel so blah, but through the blah I know this is an emotion, this is a moment, this is a time and even though I feel so strong today, it is a day and it is completely okay for me to feel this way. I will smile one day soon. I will rejoice over everything that is happening, and I still appreciate greatly everyone that has made this week special even if it doesn't seem like it. I may have depression, it may be flaring up hardcore today, but I Am Amanda, and I know in my heart that love is greater than depression.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Photographs
So this post is probably going to be different than anything I've posted on here so far, but here it goes...
So on September 10th it is national suicide prevention and awareness day, I thought hard about how I wanted to speak up and out about how people matter and how much they should value their life. Which got me thinking about my own life, the stressors that are there and how I can surpass them and hopefully continue to strive for another day.
I've been on the brink of death in both aspects of it, as a teen I suffered from really bad depression and tried taking my life a few times, as a young adult I struggled getting control over physical illnesses that have brought me so close to dying.
This past week I've been frustrated again with health problems, but I got reminded by a few dear friends that 1) I'm still ALIVE, 2) despite the health problems I am functional still, 3) I can still do many things even when I cannot do some on my own.
So I love music, it has always been a great way for me to connect to life and feel alive, a great way for me to process what I'm think or feeling. Lately I've been on an Ed Sheeran kick (frankly I think he is incredible). I was listening to a song I suggest everyone listen to, Photograph (which is on his "X" albulm ((heck go listen to the whole thing))). The song made me think about my whole life and how things have transpired. The whole song really made me think about national suicide prevention day and how one of my favorite orgs TWLOHA (which is To Write Love on Her Arms, you all should also check them out at TWLOHA.com) promote the awareness and prevention by explaining how important people are, how much their stories matter, how no one else can be the part they play in life, how love is the answer and how there is always hope. It also made me think of a line from a beautiful poem that says "we love people away from their suicidal leaps".
I'm going to highlight some of my favorite lyrics from the song.
"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it gets hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive"
I love the way he puts that, loving is the only thing that makes us feel alive despite the pain that can come.
"Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing I know, know
I swear it will get easier,
Remember that with every piece of you"
I know in my life that love can definately mend a soul and that no matter what comes ahead it will always get easier. i hold tight to these truths and promises, I am ever greatful for all the love I have been given in my life and how that has helped me through the rough times. I only hope that others would too understand that life does get easier and that love can always help.
"We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
And time's frozen forever still"
Now this last part I guess is more for me than anyone else, but I suggest you take a look through your life for the photographs that show you the love in your life.
Know how much you are loved and cherished in this life. Love can change your life.
I could post so many more photographs of moments that show me love, that capture the feeling of being alive. These are just a few of the things that I look back on to remember that I am ALIVE, I am LOVED, and that my life MATTERS. If you have taken the time to read all the way until the end I thank you for letting me share a piece of my story with you, and I hope you will share yours.
So on September 10th it is national suicide prevention and awareness day, I thought hard about how I wanted to speak up and out about how people matter and how much they should value their life. Which got me thinking about my own life, the stressors that are there and how I can surpass them and hopefully continue to strive for another day.
I've been on the brink of death in both aspects of it, as a teen I suffered from really bad depression and tried taking my life a few times, as a young adult I struggled getting control over physical illnesses that have brought me so close to dying.
This past week I've been frustrated again with health problems, but I got reminded by a few dear friends that 1) I'm still ALIVE, 2) despite the health problems I am functional still, 3) I can still do many things even when I cannot do some on my own.
So I love music, it has always been a great way for me to connect to life and feel alive, a great way for me to process what I'm think or feeling. Lately I've been on an Ed Sheeran kick (frankly I think he is incredible). I was listening to a song I suggest everyone listen to, Photograph (which is on his "X" albulm ((heck go listen to the whole thing))). The song made me think about my whole life and how things have transpired. The whole song really made me think about national suicide prevention day and how one of my favorite orgs TWLOHA (which is To Write Love on Her Arms, you all should also check them out at TWLOHA.com) promote the awareness and prevention by explaining how important people are, how much their stories matter, how no one else can be the part they play in life, how love is the answer and how there is always hope. It also made me think of a line from a beautiful poem that says "we love people away from their suicidal leaps".
I'm going to highlight some of my favorite lyrics from the song.
"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it gets hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive"
I love the way he puts that, loving is the only thing that makes us feel alive despite the pain that can come.
"Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing I know, know
I swear it will get easier,
Remember that with every piece of you"
I know in my life that love can definately mend a soul and that no matter what comes ahead it will always get easier. i hold tight to these truths and promises, I am ever greatful for all the love I have been given in my life and how that has helped me through the rough times. I only hope that others would too understand that life does get easier and that love can always help.
"We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
And time's frozen forever still"
Now this last part I guess is more for me than anyone else, but I suggest you take a look through your life for the photographs that show you the love in your life.
Know how much you are loved and cherished in this life. Love can change your life.
I could post so many more photographs of moments that show me love, that capture the feeling of being alive. These are just a few of the things that I look back on to remember that I am ALIVE, I am LOVED, and that my life MATTERS. If you have taken the time to read all the way until the end I thank you for letting me share a piece of my story with you, and I hope you will share yours.
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