Frozen

 

Death doesn’t stop the fear

Frozen in time

Scared to breathe

Nothing anyone says 

Comes through clearly

A monster so big

A child so small

Frail bones and flushed skin

The quiver raises and lowers in my throat

Head shakes again

Moments so vile

There should not be this power struggle 

Yet I shut down to my core

At the mention of it all

Folding inside like a paper crane

Disguises don’t help

Every inch of me wants to scream

But I sit silent and frozen

Replaying horrors so deep

Nightmares seem more welcoming

Than these childhood memories 

Beauty

When I say you are beautiful

I mean that you move me

Like a pebble tumbling through the sea

You capture my attention

Like ivy crawling up a cobblestone cottage

I dream of the intertwining of limbs

When I say you are stunning

I mean like a flash of lightening

Over a valley on a crisp spring evening 

Your edges so fierce and powerful

Set apart from the background of our sheets

When I say you are sweet

I mean like a field of flowers 

On a cool summer day

Your breath breezes my neck 

And I’m lost in your scent 

When I say you are lovely

I mean your eyes are like embers

Glistening and glowing

Sparking and crackling the fire that dances from the way you smile 

When I say you are delightful

I mean I am lost and found at the same time

Like a waterfall your love surges up 

And pours over me like I’m the bank edges below

When I say you are enticing

I mean that all the moments 

That I have experienced that are so pleasant 

Pale in comparison 

I mean that I can’t adequately use my senses

Or any words I know

To explain how you captivate my being

Drawing me in with wonder and joy

You are beautiful, you are sweet

You are stunning, you are lovely

You are enticing, you are delightful

The mirror isn’t me

Sometimes I can’t get my brain

To fall into place

I try to close my eyes

And slow my heart rate to the pace

Of the sounds pumping in my ears

Desperately pleading internally

To let go of these fears

To rise above it all

To look in the mirror

And fucking get that

It’s truly me

So I blink twice, add a hat

But I’m still not me yet

Bend myself over the sink

Splash some water 

On my face and take a drink

Repeating the date over again

Sometimes it’s hard to explain

How much I fight to be to present

To be able use both body and brain 

Rub my eyes and shake my head 

Try to remove the haze

Trace my hand up my arm

Count the letters in the tattoos

Internal voices rage as I fight

Pleading with myself

“Please just let me be, alright”

I struggle whether to sit or stand

If I sit they surely will win

I feel my fist ball up

But it’s like I’m not there at all

Pain surges as I watch the knuckles bleed

“Was this what you need?”

There’s a laugh

A response echos from my throat

“Didn’t you like it though?”

The fight has removed itself from 

My mind and onto the door

Slamming my head 

Feeling the wood as it hits the pores

I shake, there’s a scream

“Hush now kiddos it’s okay”

Internal ushers move them away

Out of sight, but still in this 

Wretched mind

Peace isn’t something I easily find 

A voice bellows out from the depths

“Enough of this nonsense”

I crack my neck, smooth my shirt

And rise once more

I hear the music again

Blasting through my headphones

I look at the time and move on

There’s too much to do today...

Remember December

Sometimes the holiday season 

Leaves a sour taste in my mind

Like a war head, so bitter

My brain plays tricks on me

Flashbacks grip at my shirt

And cling to my soul

But still I stand back up

Listen for the sound of the drum

And I continue

To have hope

Of something more

Something brighter

I reflect on how I used to shrug it all away

With a twisted face and quiet words

“Christmas just doesn’t work out for me”

This year emotions mixed hard

Like rocks grinding in a polisher

With every rough hit

There was a subtle smooth spot

I sat in a church

Staring at a cross

Reflecting and feeling everything move

Memories of good and bad

How much of my life happened 

Around tradition and religion

Yet there’s something about

Kneeling at a pew

That has always made me wonder

what love really means and 

Why sacrifice is related to it so often

The beauty in the story of a savior

And even at birth people giving their all

The wisemen and Shepards come in

But my favorite has always been

That little drummer boy

What a gift to play a beat that begins 

The March of a life here to save us all

I close my eyes to hear the tempo

To sink back into reality

I feel the pew against my back

Hear the bells of the kids

As joy to the world plays

And I think about my joys in life

Does Christmas really not work out?

Cause I come home each day

And I have some much

Maybe Christmas is more

Than presents and quick words

From rough relatives

Christmas is a rough time for me still

But I refuse to toss it all away

Because despite the pain

I can make more powerful 

Memories of joy and love

Presently stuck in the past

Paralyzed by emotions

Which is ironic

Because they pound through 

Me

Swift like an undertow

I choke down the tears

Trying desperately 

To ensure I show no fear

Sometimes words aren’t right

Like nothing could describe

The turmoil and muck

That churns my stomach

And unsteadies my heart

Breathing slowly

Rhythmic pattern

In hopes to ground

Shaking my head

And presenting with

A sour smile

The bitterness of memories

Dance on my tongue

And burn my senses

Blinding the current

Getting swept in the chaos

But pleading within

To not let me go there

Not again

Worlds can melt...

I've thought of how to compare you to the sky
I've pondered on how many sunrises and sunsets my eyes have seen in this life
I've searched for words, in the past, to describe the colors, the swirls of hues that sizzle to and from the horizon
But, as I gaze at your lips the colors are more magnificent than those I've ever seen from the sky
The pinks and peach with a small freckle poking through, just enough that you have to really look to find it
The way your lips curl like the mountains I've stood by as the sun drifted from the sky
I thought about the night sky, the way the stars shimmer so bright
I've reflected on past meteor showers that light up the darkness with flashes of wonder and wishes
And then, your eyes, your eyes could beat out any night sky, the glistening look you give when you are excited
The sparkle that surges through them making the colors show at a depth further than the moon from this spot
I thought and thought about how I could compare you to the skies and galaxies
But how can you compare someone that is your whole world to something as small as galaxies
How could I explain to anyone how your love warms the darkest coldest day like the sun on a frosty December morning
How could I express how your words have more pull on my heart than the moon on the oceans, as I crash and pulse harder with each "I love you" whispered from your mouth

I want to be an astronaut for you, I want to explore and trace and discover everything I can about you
Until you are mapped on my body and soul forever, because you are always going to be brighter than the stars to me

PTSD

PTSD
Four letters
That can strike at any point
One moment you are out having a good time...And BAM!
Like a brick wall you run into it all
Those words, those memories
The felling won’t come off of you
Like seaweed it sticks to your dry skin
Cracking and covering you up
Crashing like a hurricane, but the forecast didn’t even call for rain
You try to shake it all off
But how do you remove rubble that is invisible?
How do you yell to others to let them know you’ve been trapped?
How do you handle the crushing weight on your chest?
Barely breathing to conserve your energy
Those four letters that stop my day so often...
One may question how four little letters can cause such strife
Until you are stuck in the past, trying desperately to get back to life
PTSD

Pivotal puzzle points and Awareness

I've been contemplating all month (I know it's only five days into the month...) about whether or not I would write about this topic. But, today at work made the decision for me.

So I guess I'm going to start with some background information about my day and go from there. Today I woke up at six thirty after getting under four hours of sleep, I woke up miserable and exhausted and was bummed it was only Wednesday. I grabbed a banana and headed off to physical therapy. I had wrote down the wrong time and happened to arrive about thirty minutes before my appointment (actually thirty five because I cannot stand being late to anything). As I met with my physical therapist my mood lightened a little as we joked on my newest injury. I had a ten minute nap between therapy and preparing food for my day before work. Preparing food is like my least favorite task lately, I have switched to Gluten free due to my doctors thinking I might have Celiac disease (waiting on biopsy results still). I have been a mess since changing the diet, always hungry and irritable due to trying new foods (which means new textures). I got to work already spent for the day and sat down to think of how I could make my day easier. I work as a counselor at a congregate care facility ( in laymen terms a little more freedom than a group home for people with mental health diagnosis). About ten minutes into my shift the printer was broken and for some reason that was enough for me to not want to do anything. An hour goes by and I have a conversation that is the reason I will write today.

If you made it this far into my story bravo! Sometimes I add too much, or not enough, or irrelevant information. 

 I have written before of the struggles of having different physical and mental health issues. I have expressed the issues with having serve ADHD, with having a multi senses sensory processing disorder, with my recent physical health diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. There's one diagnosis though that I struggle to talk too much about. I have just started being proactive on different things I could utilize to help me perform any task to the best of my ability. I have been getting better at disclosing the appropriate information about why my mannerisms and behaviors aren't exactly like my neurotypical friends and coworkers. I have been called quirky, weird, unique, one of a kind, and many not so nice names because of how I act and react in day to day activities. I used to roll it off my back and not want to say the words, but here goes nothing, I am Autistic. I am on the spectrum and received an official diagnosis in college where I was terrified of what people would think if they knew. Within the past year though I have learned to embrace those words, to hold the power to educate and advocate to make my interactions easier on all parties involved. 


The year 1990, such an important one for so many reasons. One being I was born into this world, two (which is way more important) being the ADA ACT getting passed. Now flash forward into the present day, I am a counselor for a non-profit organization and I am someone who is covered under this ACT. My supervisor has been incredible with allowing some accommodations for my mental and physical issues that arise. I can use headphones when I can't focus on my billing, I can adjust my schedule accordingly to fit in all the doctors and physical therapy I need. Although today took the cake so to say for how she views accommodations. Today I was literally sliding off a coworker's chair in their office (trying to provide pressure to my back to help soothe me), two coworkers kinda questioned what I was doing. So me being me and being on the verge of a meltdown exclaimed how I was irritable and just wanted blankie time but I knew I couldn't have it until I got home. My supervisor had popped by at this point and I was asked what exactly blankie time was. I explained that just like I use headphones to help calm me or rock or walk around the office, I have this blankie that helps soothe me. I explained how the blankie overstimulates mutliple sensory inputs and I can take a few minutes with my blankie and it's like a factory reset. I become much more calm and relaxed and can better handle situations. My supervisor nonchalantly stated that I could bring my blankie to work as it was a reasonable accommodation. I COULD BRING MY BLANKIE TO WORK!!! This was a game changing statement for me. Since I had disclosed about me being on the spectrum, since they have seen me work better on rough days from other accommodations, since they have taken time to understand that sometimes I just need to adjust my environment so I can thrive at my job, since the ADA ACT is not just a piece of paper to them, I can accommodate in ways that will really show how good I can be in my position.
And that folks is why a month exists for awareness, because they are aware they can accommodate. Because of accommodations I have been able to show my full abilities as a counselor, I was promoted quickly in the company, I was able to impress the director and higher ups in with my work, and most importantly I am able to function well enough so I can advocate and assist my clients in all the areas they need. 

For the nights that it seems too rough

                 Honestly, it has been so hard to get my thoughts and feelings out. I struggle to comprehend the place I should be in life, the steps I take to go from where I was from to where I would like to be. I feel like a kid playing dress up some days, but the ironic thing is the dress clothes I wear tend to be too small for my stature. See, I never thought I'd make it this far in life, I lived in a cycle of depression that has kept me from really grasping the idea of a future. I say lived, but, truthfully I struggle day to day with the depression still. I'm grateful that I have a support group and had one for over the past ten years. I have come so far and it has been the help of so many that have gotten me out of some dark places. This time around though, I felt so embarrassed to reach out for help. I'm not in the places I was before, I have an apartment, I have a nice car, I have a job in my career field (hell I even have my own office), I have a supportive girlfriend, I have some solid supports. Yet, I get nervous to admit that I struggle still.

             I saw this comic the other day, it said "its just like riding a bike, or child abuse, you never forget". I laughed for it was so true. I may be in my field, I may be a counselor by day, but at night my life is filled with the tremors and torments from the past. The sweat soaked screams from the horrific nightmares and flashbacks that flood the dark hours get tucked away for a later day. Because, the ability to find a counselor while being a counselor is much harder than I thought it would be. Some days i get fearful that I'll never be able to live past the past. I hear the stories from others that are much older about how the nightmares never truly let up. I've told myself time after time that it is just because they don't work on my recovery like I did.

             I struggle at night, but the morning brings another day. It brings another good morning call from my girl as we wake up apart  in distance but still together. It brings another trip to Tim Horton's to grab a drink and a fist bump from the friendly drive-thru guys. It brings another day of fumbling with my keys while I try to balance the bags as I open my office door. It brings countless phone calls to other providers and the county with long hold times and great jokes from coworkers during the hold. It brings doctor appointments and gym days. It bring criminal minds binge watching with my cousin.

      It's hard to put everything in place like it should. Trying to decide how much a of impact my past will have on my future. I know it is part of my story, but it is not the whole story, yet I don't want to hide it away. I want to work through it, I want to be able to stand tall and say that did happen, that is where I came from, but it didn't destroy me, I have overcome so much and continue to surpass what I thought I could be. It is okay to still ask for help and struggle with these thoughts though.

To Dream

Can I just tell you that I used to dream,
sometimes
That I'd love to dream once more
But when it starts
I freeze, I choke
People say that ADHD
Makes your mind run fast
Too quick to catch up
But when mixed with my fears
These thoughts crawl
so slow, like molasses
I fall into a pit of quicksand
Where nothing can exist
I hardly see the moment in time
let alone a future
These dreams, they stopped
Because these fears can crush it all
It comes down to a mindset
I strive to dream, to become someone
To be more than this, to want more than this
But I feel frozen, stuck to ground
Wishing I could melt away
And when I do, when I finally start to
People say I am too fluttery
I flap around like a wounded bird
Can't you see though
the caged bird doesn't remember just how to fly
How can my dreams take flight
If I've barely adjusted to see through this meek light
When I hope, its a burden
When I press towards a goal, it becomes an Olympic sport
So I grit my teeth and show my muscles
Fighting everything blindly
Coming up with more battles scars
People say to focus, and practice makes perfect
But I'm looking through a busted kaleidoscope
And these life patterns that have taught me
I'm far from perfect, I'm far from right
That repetition of hurt words that make their mark
Leaving much more than a wounded heart
Stuck on the pain, and the beauty of these fragmented pieces
I see the world much different than before
People say time heals all things
Well I'll tell you in due time
Why this broken, cage-freed bird sings
The life spent stuck in my fears wanting to hope,
The sweat, the blood, the tears
Has made the most interesting masterpiece
I've seen so far, It leaves me breathless
Can I tell I wish to dream once more?
That I want to leave a different type of mark
One to show that I'm no longer stuck,
I might still be fragile, but I am free
I'm no longer held down by anything,
Or anyone,
No. Not even me.
Can I tell you that people may say a lot
But I say there is no need worry, just a need
To dream once more.

Emotions and Times

           So I'm sitting alone in my apartment, I feel the engulfing over take of a sad mood. But, it's more than a sad mood, the depression kicks me down so hard. Which I do not have a reason to be depressed today. Honestly over the past week I've had some of the greatest times of my life with great news and things I have secretly desired for years come to a front. And yet, here I am feeling miserable because my depression is sinking me in a rut while I'm alone on my 25th birthday.
                 I should be ecstatic, I should be singing from roof tops and having a face fixed with smiles. There are small bursts of happy sounds and then there are overly forced smiles while trying to explain to my friends that I appreciate their thoughts and their gifts. I mean that sincerely. I am absolutely floored with amazement with the outpouring of love and presents I got around my birthday. So many friends and family and strangers wished me a happy birthday. I have received presents that are far greater than I could ever have expected. I feel so loved, yet this depression makes me feel so lonely. It makes no sense in my mind. How I could feel so lost and lonely when things are going so well?
                       Depression is a crazy thing. I don't always like to admit I have depression or that sometimes it makes it so hard to explain that although things are beyond amazing in my life right now my brain is just giving me the wrong chemicals, the wrong emotions, the opposite of how I should feel. BUT, I should stop myself and change that outlook. HERE I AM complaining about having the wrong emotions on my birthday, but how can it be the wrong emotion? Emotions are just emotions. I don't think there are necessarily right and wrong emotions, just that sometimes they get jumbled and confused and aren't what should be expected. So I feel lonely and a deep sadness on my birthday, BUT I keep reminding myself it will pass and most importantly it is okay that I feel this way.

           As I stated, I have had some great news in this past week. One of the greatest things ever has been being told that the doctors don't think the seizures are epileptic in nature but that they are coming from the medications I have been getting placed on for the past two years. Which is very interesting for me to explain, because it starts with me admitting to myself and others that I had a drinking problem that got severe, I stopped drinking too drastically and caused my body withdrawal shock that led to me having the first two seizures and from then on my life consisted of seizing rather frequently and many tests and struggles. But, now two years later I'm given the news from doctors after a week long stay with hardcore observations and discussions that the medication I have been on has probably caused every other seizure I've had...and without these medications life can go back to almost normal. This is a great thing to hear. Not that epilepsy is a horrible thing to have, there is just a lot of lifestyle changes and hoops to jump through if you have it. And now two years after being told they think I have epilepsy, I have been told they most certainly do not think I have epilepsy. I am relieved to hear that I may never have to worry about seizing again. I'm not out of the clear just yet, they do not know if some of the blanking out and other issues I have had are from medication or from other health issues. But today has been nine days without any medication and I have yet to seize. I have pushed pass my limits this past week and have gotten my body exhausted... and nothing happened. Which makes me believe the doctors were correct on their theory about it being from medication. Hopefully I will be seizure free forever now, and to that I should be so incredibly happy.
       I should be incredibly happy, it's what I desire to be, but today I just can't. I can get as far as content with the day but that's even hard to feel. And then I feel bad for feeling bad. But inside deep down beneath those every flowing strong emotions there is a part of me that knows things are great even if my emotions do not feel that way. I am ALIVE, I am TWENTY FIVE. I am SEIZURE FREE. I am blessed with friends and family that love and care and support my life with every step and decision I make.  I may not give people the best and brightest I LOVE YOU today, but know I love each and every person in my life. Depression makes my emotions feel so blah, but through the blah I know this is an emotion, this is a moment, this is a time and even though I feel so strong today, it is a day and it is completely okay for me to feel this way. I will smile one day soon.  I will rejoice over everything that is happening, and I still appreciate greatly everyone that has made this week special even if it doesn't seem like it. I may have depression, it may be flaring up hardcore today, but I Am Amanda, and I know in my heart that love is greater than depression.
         

Photographs

So this post is probably going to be different than anything I've posted on here so far, but here it goes...

So on September 10th it is national suicide prevention and awareness day, I thought hard about how I wanted to speak up and out about how people matter and how much they should value their life. Which got me thinking about my own life, the stressors that are there and how I can surpass them and hopefully continue to strive for another day.
I've been on the brink of death in both aspects of it, as a teen I suffered from really bad depression and tried taking my life a few times, as a young adult I struggled getting control over physical illnesses that have brought me so close to dying.
This past week I've been frustrated again with health problems, but I got reminded by a few dear friends that 1) I'm still ALIVE, 2) despite the health problems I am functional still, 3) I can still do many things even when I cannot do some on my own.

So I love music, it has always been a great way for me to connect to life and feel alive, a great way for me to process what I'm think or feeling. Lately I've been on an Ed Sheeran kick (frankly I think he is incredible). I was listening to a song I suggest everyone listen to, Photograph (which is on his "X" albulm ((heck go listen to the whole thing))). The song made me think about my whole life and how things have transpired. The whole song really made me think about national suicide prevention day and how one of my favorite orgs TWLOHA (which is To Write Love on Her Arms, you all should also check them out at TWLOHA.com) promote the awareness and prevention by explaining how important people are, how much their stories matter, how no one else can be the part they play in life, how love is the answer and how there is always hope. It also made me think of a line from a beautiful poem that says "we love people away from their suicidal leaps".

I'm going to highlight some of my favorite lyrics from the song.

"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it gets hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive"

I love the way he puts that, loving is the only thing that makes us feel alive despite the pain that can come.

"Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing I know, know
I swear it will get easier,
Remember that with every piece of you"

I know in my life that love can definately mend a soul and that no matter what comes ahead it will always get easier. i hold tight to these truths and promises, I am ever greatful for all the love I have been given in my life and how that has helped me through the rough times. I only hope that others would too understand that life does get easier and that love can always help.

"We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
And time's frozen forever still"


Now this last part I guess is more for me than anyone else, but I suggest you take a look through your life for the photographs that show you the love in your life.

Know how much you are loved and cherished in this life. Love can change your life.

I could post so many more photographs of moments that show me love, that capture the feeling of being alive. These are just a few of the things that I look back on to remember that I am ALIVE, I am LOVED, and that my life MATTERS. If you have taken the time to read all the way until the end I thank you for letting me share a piece of my story with you, and I hope you will share yours.

Love

Soft edges

Beautiful curves
Gentle loving eyes
Genuine smile
That expression on your face etched in my memory
Holding you at arms length so we can see each other
Coming together slowly
Leaning in for a kiss
Our noses brush
And our lips touch
Sparks fly from every where inside of me
Barely able to keep the excitement in
Hands move
Hair so smooth
Breath slows
Tongues dance
Seeing your eye brow raising in that way it does
We can speak without any words at all
Warm embrace
Hearts race
Hands squeezed
Arms wrapped so tight
Wanting to come home to this forever
You make me feel so alive

Spilling the Ink

Let downs happen
I should be used to this feeling
Yet it tests me again and again
Wondering what I've done wrong
Time after time, it's gotta be my fault
Because the conclusion is always the same
I've gotta be the one to blame
Cause I've chased these tumble weeds
And forgotten where I was
Broken pieces fall apart as I run
After things that shimmer and shine
I want to be a part of it
To move like a shadow across the ground
It's like screaming without sound
What I'd give to not have false hope
Because when disappointment sets in
and disapproval shows its face
I sit here wanting to know
How many days it'll be this time
Fighting addictions, trying to hold back
Each time the harder they attack
The anger rises within me
And I need to let it out somehow
So inward it goes
Letting myself be the one I hate
Cause see you always get the pedestals
Because I don't want you to sink
And I'll, I'll stay awake and spill my ink
Sleep soundly tonight
as I try to count all those sheep
Fixated and how I can fix me up
Make you proud one day
Maybe promises will mean more
But really it's probably just a waste of time
Because you'd never look at my rhymes.

Collage! I go there!

Being a professional sick kid isn't that great of a career. I wasn't that ill as
a small child and I think that's what bothers my family about it all most. I was
a bit too tall and skinny but otherwise a pretty average kid.
Then age eleven got diagnosed with my first health issue (MVP). And it seemed as
almost every year increased another issue came to join. So I went from being
fairly healthy to needing meds all the time and tiring out way too early. Which
leads me to where I am now. Currently in the process of getting a full diagnoses on
why my brain has seizures. I laugh it off with people and take the jokes as they
come.
Lately though, it has been a struggle. Still adjusting to how drastically
one's life changes. I mean how do you go from being a fairly healthy twenty two
year old to not being able to do many things and needing constant drugs to keep your
brain on the right path? If someone would have told me a year ago that I
wouldn't be able to drive again much less watch an episode of television with a
friend I wouldn't believe them. But alas, here I am struggling to write words
with proper spelling and dropping on the floor almost weekly.
The worst part for me is the uncertainty of the medication. Some days I feel almost normal (well as
normal as can be for now), being able to dress and go to work or school and
not being exhausted all the time. Some days there isn't much pain to it at all.
Then there are bad days, days that my body is too tolerant to medication or
there wasn't enough sleep or proper hydration, and I need to be monitored
because any moment I could have another seizure and injure myself. Tonight I lay
up past bed time because I can't wrap my brain (or the parts that work right at
least) around the idea of being like this forever. I know from reading and
talking to others it takes a long time to find the proper medication. I also
know that there will be parts of my memory that won't ever be the same.
With this although is the fact that when you have seizures that aren't managed
you can't freaking go anywhere. I dare you to spend just one day looking at all
the things that flash or blink in your world around you. (My biggest trigger is
blinking lights so they must be avoided as much as possible). Or spend a night
walking down the street wearing dark sunglasses (I spend my life in sun glasses
because of how sensitive my eyes have gotten). 
I only say these things because I was so unaware of how hard it is to have this
disability and how little society cares about making my surroundings safe for
me. I still try to function in day to day activities. I take the bus to
college and get rides to and from work. Even still I have to have some sort of
checking in on to make sure nothing happens. Can't shower or cook without
someone awake and around. I went from being told to finish growing up and work
on independence to being told temporarily (but possibly forever) I have to be
dependent on others.
I don't want this to be just a whinny post as I work on transitioning to what is going on, I want to admit my ignorance to how much we don't think about other disabilities. How little bit of my effort goes to helping others. I mean I became more vocal about doors at Buffalo State college after being on crutches for a while. Their handicapped doors don't always work and they would shut off some of the elevators in buildings that didn't use them as much. But, it wasn't just my voice that was heard then, there are many students that have some physical disability (even if temporary).
What I learned this year going into college with seizures is that many staff advise you to take medical leave or drop out of school. Which to me seems ridiculous. I mean, like my whole world already got shaken upside down, I want some stability and to be able to do things in pace with people my age. I knew it would be a challenge (Oh is it ever!), but I'd like to try to keep trying and pressing on towards a degree. When it comes down to it though, the thing that bothered me most was the fact that I get asked all the time why I haven't just taken a leave of absence and get almost pressured to take time off.
What I hear from that is "you can't keep up and do the tasks to meet a diploma, you're not fit for college". I have asked what should I be doing with my time? Because, frankly in the professional world, you need a degree to get a career. Should I be stuck working job to job and trying to find a place that will be nice about my "special needs".
 Honestly I love my professors this semester; they all know I haven't found the right medication and still have seizures. They have all met with me one on one and still see my desire to maintain decent grades in my classes. One professor "adapted" the syllabus to "fit my needs", this leads to me having to write a seven page paper instead of a one page paper and a short power point presentation. I am ever nervous about having to complete the task but am so grateful that the professor took it all at face value and wanted to challenge me deeper than the rest of the students. Now thankfully I've had this professor in the past and they understand that I am able to complete a task like that even with my "disability".
 Even though I can't handle the stimulation of lights during class doesn't mean I can't handle the rest of the criteria; my professors notice this, the disability's staff notice this, the dean of students notice this; and yet I still get told by other staff to leave if I can't handle the atmosphere of college. I want to stay in college and continue to try to get a degree, even if this seizure disorder never gets fixed, even if it takes me twice as long to complete, because I still have the ambition to prove to myself  (and others) that I can do it, that no disability will stop anyone from a sense of normality.

Coordinating Connections

Maybe life isn't about an end point
But how you draw your map
Showing where you cross paths
And where there are trips and traps
Letting others know where is safe
And where to meet
Like suggesting new clothes
Or a good place to eat
Maybe our stories have to deal
With less of our inside
And more to do with
Who comes along side
Do we need to change
Our views and perspective
Opening up and allowing
Our minds to be receptive
And intake everything around
To use our senses and really feel
Allow our hearts to know
Joy and pain and how to deal
Let your guard down
Learn to experience and give
Help others how you can
Let yourself truely live
So I guess I want you to
Give people more than just a look
Because you never know who you'll impact
And be a character in their life book
So much comes from relationships
So give others a second chance
Because life can change so much
From a friendly glance

these nights

Music blasting, playing games, it will be ok. My mind threatens to vetunre into the darkness. Trying to block out all the thoughts. These nights are the ones I long for morning, cause all I feel is mourning. Sometimes I don't know how I made it this far, why I'm still alive. When there's been so many lost lifes. So many friends that never got to see thirty, so much of me longs to write and tell their stories. To impact the world with their lifes, cause they impacted mine so much. I'll never forget the smiles, the jokes, the way each person brightened a room as they entered. How much it touched me that they knew me and supported me. And then here I sit so discourged from my past, my present, the future. These nights the pain stings much deeper, and I long desperately to help others that feel like this. Those who've been negleted, forgetten, abused. Those who doubt so much about them, struggling to love themselves. To know what love means. These nights when I want to run from where i lay and just yell on a street corner... CANT YOU SEE THE HURT IN THE WORLD, WE NEED TO FIX IT! These nights when I dream of being someone to impact the world but am so scared of making any choice. These nights when I battle the flashbacks, and the effects they left me with. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. But I guess crazy is ok. These nights are rough, but I'm never defeated, for some reason I am still alive, I still have a chance to change myself and make an impact for the greater. But on this night I sit here fighting to keep myself together...cause I know it will just be another one of these nights

untitled

Sitting here
wondering why
Am I standing still
cause life seems to pass by
Day after day
I play the same song
trying to get out of it
But still I trudge along
work, school, eat, sleep
hangout, help out, drive around
Is it all meaningless?
getting closer to the ground
Yet we try to build
and leave our great mark
Hoping we are more
Desiring to give society a spark,
start a great movement
Make a difference in a positive way
but life still passes by
Day after day

Life left me puzzled

Sometimes I wish that life was a puzzle
So the answers would be so clear
It would just fit so perfectly
But it's like someone broke the edges
And colored on top of the picture
So nothing connects
I'm longing to connect

          There's things in life that just make plain sense to me. Not always the most normal things but I'm learning to embrace the differences. Puzzles make me happy, they are sometimes super easy, others can be a bit challenging. But in the challenge I learn to look at different features that make each piece unique. I classify my puzzle pieces not colors but by shapes normally. Even though each shape is slightly different. For some reason it allows me to notice the differences in color easier.

          I can't classify life into different shapes, and it's like I'm color blind. Everything seems the same and nothing ever fits together. I'm stuck, I'm puzzled by it all. Which seems like the worst pun in the english language, cause puzzles seem so right to me, yet it means there's confusion. Life definately confuses me.

      I'm still guessing what this puzzle called life is supposed to look like. Some spots feel so ugly, some pieces so rigid. Trying to feel the completed picture, but is life something that will ever feel completed?