If Life Gives You Melons...

I once heard a joke that went if life gives you melons you may be dsylexic. I think about this; life and melons and lemons; the sweet yet sour-ness of my life. There are many times in life where I get frustrated with my disabilities. I notice how much harder I work to fit in, to stay focused, to understand others, to handle every day situations. I get frustrated sometimes and wish life had just given me lemons like so many, but I have melons. No matter how you look at a melon will always be a melon and never a lemon. So I try to look at the fact that melons are sweet. There are many sweeter things that come with my ADHD, my sensory processing issues, and other little quirks I have. I can remember a lot of little details about something (I'm beast at ispy books). I'm full of facts, sometimes random but I love learning more about things and sharing knowledge (knowledge is power). I pick up on things fairly fast. There's many downsides though, It's really hard for me to focus for long periods, when I do end up focusing it consumes me and I panic if I can't complete the task. I'm extremely impulsive...extremely. Certain sounds, tastes, and textures send me into a fit, they make me panic and not be able to do anything, sometimes it gets so bad that I tantrum like a toddler. I have less cooridination which results in many many injuries for me. Thankfully I've learned many ways to help myself stay on task, calm my impulstivity and avoid chaos. For me textures of three are very calming ( the back of my hair is even cut short and then shaved up a little to create three textures to soothe me when over stimulated). Music is a wonderful way to ease me ( I almost always have a headphone in, it helps me focus more too).  My all time calm down is my blankie, but it's not really acceptable for me to carry it everywhere. 
I'm not quite sure why I wanted to share all of this...I do know that sometimes it's hard for me to explain to others what is going on in my head, or why I do things that are random, weird, or overbearing. I  do want to say though that I appreciate life giving me melons, because melons come in all different shapes and sizes and colors, and sometimes I like being different than the general population of people.

Catch 22

It's way past my bed time right now, but I feel as if I don't write I'll never share. Sometimes in life I get so overwhellemed, I mean we all do. Then fears swoop in and take over. My mind goes on over drive, spinning out of control faster than the tazmanian devil. I started looking at things in life and what I actually wanted to do when I "grow up". I use that term losely because I don't really think that I'm not a grown up, I just know I am at a point again where I need assitance with somethings. Unexpected circumstances that were unforseen to humans knocked me off my feet, I love that in a way, because it makes you fully rely on God. I mean I was literally knocked off my feet. A blown out knee left me unable to drive, to work, to do many simple tasks in life on my own. Sure there were points when my knee was getting better and I could go to work for a bit and move around with just a limp and a knee brace. Those were glorious moments, times when I felt like "cool I got this, time to walk back to reality". But honestly I hadn't learned all I needed. Not that I think I know it all now. Man can I say the joys of simple movements and feats though. I spent my summer out of work getting some knee surgery and right now I'm six weeks since surgery. I spent some time on complete bedrest, rejoicing over being able to wiggle toes on my own, then learning the muscles around the knee again, and being able to finally dress myself or take a shower on my own, when I started to take my first steps (in my head I wanted to do backflips it was that awesome). Right now I'm at a set back, my knee won't bend as far as it should already. On top of that I need to start paying for the surgery and therapy, but I'm not making money till I go back to work, but can't work until the knee heals enough from seeing doctors and therapy. It's a crazy catch 22 that I could easily get caught up in. And it did make me stumble for a bit today, I got frazzled and frustrated and cried. And then got comforted by the fact that God heard my cries, He knows this part of my story (well He knows it all, being author of life and all), If I just listen and press in... and that is how I must handle the many catch 22s in my life, the only way to press through and perservere (remain under). God doesn't desire confusion, He doesn't say there won't be chaos, but He promises to walk through it all with you and fight on our side. Best part He always wins, every time. I may get frustrated and fed up with my knee and my life but in those moments God will shine through (not always in the way we expect) and He will always see me through it. I'll rejoice in this pain, and trust Him to provide, goodbye catch 22, hello Jesus catching me and you...

Famous

My mind racing faster than the speed of life
I never knew I could have such strife
Pacing back and forth anxiety rising
You see it's Your love I'm compromising
Searching through the mess to try to find Your way
But of the world is where I stand every day
See God You, YOU promised great things
If only it was Your tune that I sing
I lost the beat so long ago
So I cling to the things I know
I've ran back to You time after time
But my broken heart never remembers the rhyme
As I go to seek Your face
I notice how desperately I need Your grace
So unworthy of Your saving light
But You've already won the fight
Your love resounds off of every wall
Yet we get caught up with the fall
So help me seek Your name
I'm done giving anything but You the fame

I Don't Want To Be A Pharisee... Help Me See From Your View

I've been thinking a lot. Sometimes that's not a good thing. Words blast thru my head faster than ever. The interesting parts of my ADHD; thoughts go in and out so quickly and string together in unsual ways.

I was talking to some one the other day about rape and murder. They remarked that they wished they could just like tattoo the person that does these bad things with a name for what they did. I didn't agree, my thought on it was why should we label them with their sins when God doesn't do the same... Why should we judge them of being everything they did with no hope of change? That person told me i'm a better person than they are.

But then i'm thinking I'm a great big hypocrite. Although I don't like labeling others I constantly place negative labels on myself.... they may not be as bad as they used to..... but it's still not what God says about me. I'm not allowing God all that He is by limiting what I think I can be or do. Ive always said God doesn't make junk, which is completely true. Yet I'm still blocking myself of the idea of being like Him, being holy, rightoues, lovely.

I've been questioning a lot lately. I've just felt like my life just wasn't making progress. I got angry with God because I started placing parts of my life above my relationship with Him and I allowed those things to cloud my mind. I started wearing the weight of my problems and pains on my back, like they were mine to hold again. I know I didn't have to carry them, I could have easly taken everything I had and laid it down at His feet. Silly me, I wanted to have control again in life, and well I'm not ment to control this life. I ended the life I had control of the moment I decided yes I will follow God. So there I was taking the life I gave to God back and getting frustrated because I couldn't do it on my own and follow Him. I opened the door of my heart for anything and everything that could enter it.

Man did things enter. The places in my heart that I hadn't given God control of yet started to take over. Destroying the beauty God placed in, defiling the holiness, twisting the lines of what is truely right. Darkness consumed as much as it could. The open wounds of my life got re infected. The demons that have been on me since that first sin against me got control for the first time in a long time. It was horrible yet part of me wanted to experience it.

I knew I wouldn't follow God whole heartedly until I tried on my own again. Which sounds rediculous, but I had placed false ideas on God that He didn't deserve and I needed to know that yes He is my savior all and all. I compared God to humans, I blamed Him for things He never did. I allowed the lies of the devil to sink in till I started to try to make it truth. But God didn't hurt me, He never will!

A line from a song by John Reuben played over in my head, " How can I convince them when I'm not even conviced?" How can I be convinced though if I'm not seeking? You can know things about a person but if you aren't talking to them how do you expect to know more?

I've been a hypocrite in many ways in life lately. Labeling myself things that God does not say I am,while trying not to label others. talking with friends and telling them they need to let go of one thing or antoher and seek God's view of them, while I was clinging to many things to here the postive things I wanted in life.

I guess I'm writing just to keep track of life and such. I desire to jump deeper and place God first always...in everything. Not just the parts I want to give. I know that me seeking God makes my impact so much greater in this world. And I'm ready to step up and dive.... because we are all here to make the world a better place if we try and give it all. I think this verse from a song by JJ Heller puts where I am at in life best, "There are true things, inside of me I have been afraid to see, I believe, help my unbelief, Would you say again what you said to me, I am loved and I am free I believe, help my unbelief."

I've been so caught up on finding the missing pieces of the puzzle of my life that I failed to realize how complete the puzzle is getting. I wanted God to put more pieces together but He wanted me to see how much it was complete. How beautiful a picture it makes when I let Him put it together, so I drop the pieces I think should belong and allow Him to place what He desires.

They play a song at our church alot. It's called Moving Foreward. I dont always like hearing it. I always remember the first time I heard it and then feel bad for not being where I think I should be in life. I sat in the church last time it was played and just talked to God about it. I went to Him hurt asking why this song keeps coming up. What God said to me about it was not at all what I expected. He asked me if I remember the first time I heard the song. Which I was like of course, Joshua Revolution, it was when I first heard you tell me to do missions. He kinda just smiled on me and said "you know what I rememeber Amanda?" Which made me laugh and be like I dunno, You are God tell me what You remember... He told me He remembered how much of a struggle I had actually going to the conference, how much was blocking me from Him at that point , and how when that song started playing that I dropped to my face and surrendered everything up, How I was desperate for Him and how it made Him delighted. That He couldn't wait to share some of the future plans He had for me since I gave Him everything. I was shocked. I feel like I'm not where I should be and God remembers that I surrendered to Him? He then asked me what happened, how did I get so far away.... It's a heart breaking thing to hear.

I ready now. To move foreward, to hide in His wings alone. Here I Am Lord, But please just let me lay close and heal before You send me. I'm willing to go but not until You are my all.

Fighting For The Life....

Can You Feel It Hardening Too?
No Longer Fighting To Hold Onto You
Listening To The Shouting Lies
Allowing The Cold, Blindness To Set In The Eyes
My Heart Is Tired And Weary
The Coming Days Just Oh So Dreary
A Sickness So Deep
I Lay Awake And Weep
Why Don't Mend?
Can't You See I'm Trying To Rend?
Where Are You When I Feel Alone?
Why Don't You Answer My Spirit's Groan?
So You're Here, But I Don't Let In
I'm Too Consumed With My Sin.
I Don't Feel Like Letting Go.
I Don't Want To Let My Pain Show
Sweetly Broken Is Definately Not Me
A Gross Flow Of Emotion Is What I See
The Hardening Continues To Spread
Because Of The Voices In My Head
How Do I Quiet Them Forever?
Deeper And Deeper They Sever
I Can't Keep Fighting So Hard
It Leaves Me Hurting And Scarred
I'm Left Here Crying
Wanting My Flesh To Be The One Dying
Stop The Ache!
I Don't Know How Much More I Can Take....

My God's Bigger Than Your Sin

I was so little, so Small
still a baby
but for you it meant nothing at all
I was so mild,
and so meek.
And you took advantage
of the fact that I was weak
I was so young
just barely three
how could you?
How dare you take advantage of me!
The effects lasting long
the trauma so deep
haunts me while awake
and terrorizes my sleep
I am so broken
so hurt to the core
do you understand the
effects I had to endure
never feeling safe
Afraid of who to trust
Not understanding the differences
between love and plain old lust
I struggle daily to find beauty
Always feeling the dirt of your sin
the emotional scars
but you'll never win
you may have taken my innocence
for a bit of lust
But you see
My Jesus is the one I can trust
He's the one who calls me his child
And wipes away the many tears
Holds me close at night
and fights away those fears
Your actions broke me down
made me hurt something strong
But my God promises
it wont hurt for long
So I give you to Him
allow His justice to take place
and try to get rid of the bitterness
I feel when I see a picture of your face
You may have hurt me
But we all sin great
I forgive you for it
and I'm trying not to hate
My God's bigger than your sin

ramblings of the heart

Lord I'm Cry Out
And I Can't Hear Your Voice
My Words Bounce Off These Walls
Shattering The Silence And
Allowing The Wound To Open Again
Like A Scavenger I Pick Thru
Trying To Find Something Of Worth In Me
But My Hands Are Already Filthy
Infecting The Wound Yet Again
In Desperate Need Of A Healer
Yet I'm Trying To Be All I Need
How Do I Expect To Hear You Over My Screams?
When Will I Let You Back Into This Room?
Why Are You Screaming Too?
So Many Questions
I Have No Answers But Pretend I Know It All
Lord Break The Walls
I'm Scared But Ready To Let Go Again
So Here's My Wounded Infected Heart
But I Can't Stop The Screaming Soul
Help Me Kill The Flesh Around
Let Me Lay Upon That Altar Once More
Allow Me To Take The Pounding Weight Off
Carry My Cross Because It's Breaking My Shoulders
I Can't Fight This Battle Alone
The Enemies Are Already Inside
All I Have Left Is My Crying To You
Be The Healer I Know You Are
Take Your Soldier Back
Stop The Bleeding And Train Me Up
I Need Your Knowledge And Power To Prevail
I'm Begging For Your Mercy
I'm Pleding For Your Grace
You've Never Forsaken Me
Yet I Still Wander And Do Things On My Own
Hold My Heart Close As It Breaks Apart
Let It Tune Back To The Rythm Of Yours
Let Me Go Again As Your Servant
Proclaiming How Great Of A Master
And Father and Lover You Truely Are
Here I Am Lord, Send Me!