Untouchable

I listen to yet again another person mention how church is not ment for those who are perfect but for them whom are imperfect. It makes me wonder. I think first about how Jesus would look at most churches, but I know that is not a spot I desire to dig in because clearly I cannot throw the first stone, I must walk away from that. The second thing I think about is why? Why Jesus came for the imperfect yet we try so hard to be perfect? Why it is so hard for us to admit that we have imperfections? Or why is it so easy for us to notice the imperfections but so hard for us to understand grace and mercy and forgiveness?

I talk to quite a number of people, a lot of whom trust me with some of their hard struggles. I hear about struggles and burdens that blow my mind away. I think of my past struggles even my present ones and it sometimes boggles me. Like sometimes I just cry out, just wonder Oh God of Jacob where are you? What a mark that sin has left on all of us, what a need for a savior.

I think it takes time for us to realize how much we need a savior though, and I also believe its not something that you can just tell someone and by you telling they change (Gods gotta work in them). But I guess everything takes time, takes work, takes understanding.

As this week for me has beena week of trials and tribulations, a time to really seek Him whole heartly, to ask for wisedom and guidance, to reflect on that horribly beautiful cross, and the amazement and wonder of the empty tomb! It gets my stomach turning, I question how someone could endure so much for me, how could God love me that much, how could Jesus care that much that He was willing to suffer for me, to understand my pain and everyone elses, to take on the sin I try so hard to cover. I think about when I get a bruise and some pains, like when I sprained my hand, how much I was in pain, I couldn't handle the cross, I would run scared. But then oh that tomb, where everything I have done wrong was really made right, want to speak miracles and power...talk about that tomb. Talk about how my savior conqured it all. How He defeated death, the strongest sin in life, how He didn't boast about it either, how He humbly defeated it, just for us, just for me. As I type that I get shivers.

God didn't come for the perfect and Jesus' life proved that. Jesus' friends were sinners, that admitted that were sinners and turned there lifes around to follow Him. Jesus doesn't expect you to be perfect, and thats one of my favorite parts of this amazing relationship. I can mess up as many times as I need but as long as I turn my focus to God eachtime its ok, its fine. No matter what I do God will never stop loving me, no matter what you have done/do or plan on doing God doesn't stop loving you. You can't earn that by doing good. Its given to the untouchables no questions asked. I believe Gods love is a greater thing to have then all the fame, than alll the riches, then anything in this world. Gods grace can not be earned either, its just there. Along with mercy. Those two are incredible. Nothing I did could allow me Gods good grace and despite anything I do Gods mercy covers it all. What an amzing God we have, what an amazing Father, Oh how He loves.

Scars

I was reading a great book the other day, and it got me thinking. The authors interpretation of how Jesus interacted with the Disiples after his resurection really intreged me. He pointed out how Jesus told the disiples to look at his feet, which was kinda showing that ghost don't have feet so Jesus couldn't be a ghost. But what really made a wheel turn inside was when the author wrote about and took directly from the bible Jesus and thomas' interactions. How thomas needed to feel the wounds to believe, how he need to touch to understand, and how Jesus was like go ahead, touch it thomas, its ok, feel my scars for you.
Literally not ten minutes afte that i was on the phone with one of my dearest friends. I called her up with a question, the question was really stuck in my head, and although I feel as though I have asked before. This friend had touched my scars, I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was for me. I used to be a cutter, and it was just a little while after my cutting that she had felt them. She had come to visit me and I was afriad...which sounds weird but I sort of struggled with the fact of her actually loving me in person (we chatted on the phone for the most part). I remember watching her on the other side of the couch but still afriad to speak, which made her crack jokes and try to get me to say something. and then she asked to see them, man my stomach turned, I was afriad, if I showed them they were real, I was the thomas of this story, i doubted myself and doubted the power of love, I reluctantly raised my hoodie and she gentlelymoved her hand up and down the fresh cuts that were scaring up. Going back to the fact that I called her after reading (man I sidetrack) I asked her why? why did she ask to se them and then touch them? my mind was trying tot wrap around it all. She explained to show I was still worthyof love despite my scars. Thats my wording on it not hers... i like despite my scars, i think she said even with my scars.
my arm still has scars, but despite them I am moving foreward. even with them i am moving foreward. Just as jesus scars showed all that He wwent through to save us, my scars so my battle to find something to defeat evil, i am in no way comparing ym little marks on my arm to the greatest sacrific in the sense that its that important...I am just saying that my scars are a living testimony to what i have been through and how i got towhere i am. Scars all tell stories.

On the inside

On my fifth palpitation in less then a day,
This stress just needs to go away
God how to do I rehand you it all?
God help before I fall!
Do they see the hits they make?
Do they know I bend so far, then I break?
I just want to serve
Yet I get on their every nerve
Their love would mean so much
Yet it seems so out of touch
I Lost all my out reach
Is there something You're trying to teach?
I'm on my knees begging and pleding
Oh God be the one who's leading

Fight or Fall, a mindful battle

Standing on the front line...I feel my knees shaking in my baggy jeans, my stomach turns and my heart is pouding so loud it is like a drum inside my ears. My eyes want to close but with all thats in me they stay pryed open. My stance is straight up, from the outside you can't tell how scared I truely am. In front of me is darkness... a shadowy image, it makes my teeth clench, yet still you can't see how scared I am. Like a drive-in screen my life plays before me...different parts on different screens. From the darkness comes voices, some as quiet as whispers and some shouting. The words hit me hard, like a close range shot from a paint ball gun, just blasting emotions onto me like paint balls blasting colors, I am wearing my guilt, my sorrow, my fear, my lust now... but stil I stand, poised and ready to fight back, paintiently waiting...for what I am still unsure of, maybe a sign, maybe someone to stand beside me. Hands poised to the sides, slightly open as if another hand was to be placed inside my own at any moment.
The voices grow louder, shouting lies and slandering my growth, my life, my God. I want to scream back, I know its not true. "Enough!" is singing inside me but you can barely tell that my mouth is moving. "Enough", "enough", Enough", it's like a whisper now. My hands tighten up, one is balled into a fist. "Enough!" I'm at a normal pitch now but the voices get louder still, they get closer still but not out of the shadows. My free hand graps by my side, searches for a minute and then grips onto another hand. The hand with the hole in it.
"ENOUGH!" comes blasting out of me, never have I hear my voice be so strong and steady, and yet it seems so right. It's like my whole life waited for this time, like this was the beginning of the purpose, of my purpose."ENOUGH!" the hands stay together, my finger slips into the hole, and feels the pain and the joy at the same time. "ENOUGH!" everything seems lighter, easier, my stance is not a problem to hold anymore. The fire inside is buring strong consumeing the brokenness of my heart, making it a refined piece of treasure. "I'm no longer bound by you, you understand me!?" i lift my hand and His up in the air, "this is the true me, a friend, a beloved one of some one who will understand and take away my pain, not inflict more!" a smile becomes fixed on my face, i can feel the presence of power behind me, but i dare not look away from ahead. I must finish this. "ENOUGH!" "this is my life to give to Him, not yours to rob from me" The voices stopped a long time ago, since the other hand was there, I didn't notice though, I was so focused on taking back my life, I didnt notice His presence made the voices flee. But still there was a good to my yelling, because i realized the person i was yelling at wasn't just the voices, it was me. That was my past playing, trying to take over, and I was the one playing it, and I have had enough of myself and my lack of will to grow. "ENOUGH!, MY GOD"S ENOUGH" and just like that the past stops replaying and I'm able to step foreward into the new shed light thanks to Him. The battle field was my mind, and Him was victorious, but of course, He's never lost

You can like it, or love it, or rip it apart

I want to just scream from the highest point, shout across the biggest field, I want to have them understand. Quietly talking isn't getting it through, the actions taken aren't helping them learn it. I don't know how to go radical with it...if I did I would. To hear a friend not understand it breaks me, it makes me hurt deep down...not saying its my fault that they don't get it, but the effects of not understanding. How can they not understand His love? How can they overlook His presnce? Why does it seem easier to deny Him then actually accept that He is there to love and guide them?
I don't do the whole religion thing...I'll never call myself religious, but I have a growing relationship with the Creator, I am friends with the man who died on a cross for my sins, I am the daughter of the Most High, I enjoy chilling with the Holy Spirit. I desire to give up everything of mine to follow Him, not saying that I always do.
I want to serve and follow but a lot of times my human-ness creeps in. It sings lies to me and I lose the beautiful melody God was playing and the mix doesn't happen, only one song can play. I'm the Dj that decides how it all should go, whether it should sound good breifly then spiral downwards to an annoying screech and gnashing sounds or if there should be a slow start and a victorous beautiful finish.
How frustrated I got with myself when my hand was sprained and had to be placed in a cast for a while. I wanted to use it so bad, I then realized how much i had used it before and how much I wanted it...not saying I needed it, because frankly I could live without it even if it would change everyting. I felt the the cast and still tried to use the hand inside the cast...but it hurt each little movement sent a shock of pain through out the arm. Using it as it was still healing was not only bad for itself but also for the parts around it, this all made em think of me and God. I am a broken hand...I havent healed from my fall yet... athough I can do somethings it can hurt if i try to do too much, and not only will it hurt me but also the ones im connected with...as God takes off the bandages I am still showing the effects of the fall..still bruised in some spots and hurt in other spots when it is talked about... but just as my hand has gotten back to better..in fact the hand feels better than before the fall...God will make me completely healed and useable... He will allow me to help out with the task ahead.
So i realized this all is random and well thats how my brain works....random thoughts constantly flying around. You can call me ADD, but i'll tell you one thing, i pick up on a lot because of my lack of focus, and i can focus if i need too. God made me this way for a reason, so if you don't like it well thats your problem.