I cry constently right now...but I pretend to be strong. I mean come on, do you know who I am? Soemtimes I don't think I even know who I am... I know the simple things about me, like name and age, I know somethings that I like and dislike. Who I am is still lost to me...am I defined by what my friends say?, or what my enemies shout?, or what my brain thinks about myself? I tell people constantly that the bible tells them who they are, That God says we are these beautiful creations made by Him, yet my heart longs to actually grasp that. I know sometimes I believe it... most of the time I will delight in knowing that I am God's child, but the lies of my past still feel stuck to me. I know God scrubbed them off, but I can still remember what it was like to wear the thought/name/feeling. I know that we all struggle with knowing who we are, that for some reason I feel like it's a constant struggle to make something about oneself better.
After some long conversations with people I love my heart ached. I hadn't felt so broken in a long time. I watched more people I truely care about decide that it's been too long, that the time for my healing is taking too long and that there's no longer hope. That I'm clearly not pressing foreward enough and life isn't changing. I've been stunned for the past few days, wondering if I'm really not going to ever change. Am I settling again? Where is God in my decisions? Do I really want to be bound to constant moving and fast food jobs? Where is the passion in my life being placed?
I screamed at a friend, not because of anything they did, but we were discussing life... I cried out, explained how much I get frustrated with people looking at me like I'm failing and don't really have a plan in life. Leaving college and not going back anytime soon makes people mad, and sometimes I want to go back just to make them happy, but that would be wrong. The fact that I have a job, and want to just keep odd jobs, that I don't desire at all a career. In my eyes missions is a career, That i need a job to support it yes, But I want missions to come first. I don't want to be full time job and part time missions... Most people don't understand that...and even the some that do can't define how I do it. That's between me and jesus...and I can't define it from anyone else.
So I'm standing back thinking about how I go after my hearts desires. How I get to go further into the missions filed, because every interaction can be a missions field. How I press into God to press onto life. I keep thinking about how my one friend had explained how they were sick and tired of living a life with out making a difference..which to them is life without meaning. So I dare to make a difference...I desire to be a world changer for Jesus...I don't know what that road looks like, but I know that God believes in me even in the hardest of times...
