Untouchable

I listen to yet again another person mention how church is not ment for those who are perfect but for them whom are imperfect. It makes me wonder. I think first about how Jesus would look at most churches, but I know that is not a spot I desire to dig in because clearly I cannot throw the first stone, I must walk away from that. The second thing I think about is why? Why Jesus came for the imperfect yet we try so hard to be perfect? Why it is so hard for us to admit that we have imperfections? Or why is it so easy for us to notice the imperfections but so hard for us to understand grace and mercy and forgiveness?

I talk to quite a number of people, a lot of whom trust me with some of their hard struggles. I hear about struggles and burdens that blow my mind away. I think of my past struggles even my present ones and it sometimes boggles me. Like sometimes I just cry out, just wonder Oh God of Jacob where are you? What a mark that sin has left on all of us, what a need for a savior.

I think it takes time for us to realize how much we need a savior though, and I also believe its not something that you can just tell someone and by you telling they change (Gods gotta work in them). But I guess everything takes time, takes work, takes understanding.

As this week for me has beena week of trials and tribulations, a time to really seek Him whole heartly, to ask for wisedom and guidance, to reflect on that horribly beautiful cross, and the amazement and wonder of the empty tomb! It gets my stomach turning, I question how someone could endure so much for me, how could God love me that much, how could Jesus care that much that He was willing to suffer for me, to understand my pain and everyone elses, to take on the sin I try so hard to cover. I think about when I get a bruise and some pains, like when I sprained my hand, how much I was in pain, I couldn't handle the cross, I would run scared. But then oh that tomb, where everything I have done wrong was really made right, want to speak miracles and power...talk about that tomb. Talk about how my savior conqured it all. How He defeated death, the strongest sin in life, how He didn't boast about it either, how He humbly defeated it, just for us, just for me. As I type that I get shivers.

God didn't come for the perfect and Jesus' life proved that. Jesus' friends were sinners, that admitted that were sinners and turned there lifes around to follow Him. Jesus doesn't expect you to be perfect, and thats one of my favorite parts of this amazing relationship. I can mess up as many times as I need but as long as I turn my focus to God eachtime its ok, its fine. No matter what I do God will never stop loving me, no matter what you have done/do or plan on doing God doesn't stop loving you. You can't earn that by doing good. Its given to the untouchables no questions asked. I believe Gods love is a greater thing to have then all the fame, than alll the riches, then anything in this world. Gods grace can not be earned either, its just there. Along with mercy. Those two are incredible. Nothing I did could allow me Gods good grace and despite anything I do Gods mercy covers it all. What an amzing God we have, what an amazing Father, Oh how He loves.

Scars

I was reading a great book the other day, and it got me thinking. The authors interpretation of how Jesus interacted with the Disiples after his resurection really intreged me. He pointed out how Jesus told the disiples to look at his feet, which was kinda showing that ghost don't have feet so Jesus couldn't be a ghost. But what really made a wheel turn inside was when the author wrote about and took directly from the bible Jesus and thomas' interactions. How thomas needed to feel the wounds to believe, how he need to touch to understand, and how Jesus was like go ahead, touch it thomas, its ok, feel my scars for you.
Literally not ten minutes afte that i was on the phone with one of my dearest friends. I called her up with a question, the question was really stuck in my head, and although I feel as though I have asked before. This friend had touched my scars, I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was for me. I used to be a cutter, and it was just a little while after my cutting that she had felt them. She had come to visit me and I was afriad...which sounds weird but I sort of struggled with the fact of her actually loving me in person (we chatted on the phone for the most part). I remember watching her on the other side of the couch but still afriad to speak, which made her crack jokes and try to get me to say something. and then she asked to see them, man my stomach turned, I was afriad, if I showed them they were real, I was the thomas of this story, i doubted myself and doubted the power of love, I reluctantly raised my hoodie and she gentlelymoved her hand up and down the fresh cuts that were scaring up. Going back to the fact that I called her after reading (man I sidetrack) I asked her why? why did she ask to se them and then touch them? my mind was trying tot wrap around it all. She explained to show I was still worthyof love despite my scars. Thats my wording on it not hers... i like despite my scars, i think she said even with my scars.
my arm still has scars, but despite them I am moving foreward. even with them i am moving foreward. Just as jesus scars showed all that He wwent through to save us, my scars so my battle to find something to defeat evil, i am in no way comparing ym little marks on my arm to the greatest sacrific in the sense that its that important...I am just saying that my scars are a living testimony to what i have been through and how i got towhere i am. Scars all tell stories.

On the inside

On my fifth palpitation in less then a day,
This stress just needs to go away
God how to do I rehand you it all?
God help before I fall!
Do they see the hits they make?
Do they know I bend so far, then I break?
I just want to serve
Yet I get on their every nerve
Their love would mean so much
Yet it seems so out of touch
I Lost all my out reach
Is there something You're trying to teach?
I'm on my knees begging and pleding
Oh God be the one who's leading