Honestly, it has been so hard to get my thoughts and feelings out. I struggle to comprehend the place I should be in life, the steps I take to go from where I was from to where I would like to be. I feel like a kid playing dress up some days, but the ironic thing is the dress clothes I wear tend to be too small for my stature. See, I never thought I'd make it this far in life, I lived in a cycle of depression that has kept me from really grasping the idea of a future. I say lived, but, truthfully I struggle day to day with the depression still. I'm grateful that I have a support group and had one for over the past ten years. I have come so far and it has been the help of so many that have gotten me out of some dark places. This time around though, I felt so embarrassed to reach out for help. I'm not in the places I was before, I have an apartment, I have a nice car, I have a job in my career field (hell I even have my own office), I have a supportive girlfriend, I have some solid supports. Yet, I get nervous to admit that I struggle still.
I saw this comic the other day, it said "its just like riding a bike, or child abuse, you never forget". I laughed for it was so true. I may be in my field, I may be a counselor by day, but at night my life is filled with the tremors and torments from the past. The sweat soaked screams from the horrific nightmares and flashbacks that flood the dark hours get tucked away for a later day. Because, the ability to find a counselor while being a counselor is much harder than I thought it would be. Some days i get fearful that I'll never be able to live past the past. I hear the stories from others that are much older about how the nightmares never truly let up. I've told myself time after time that it is just because they don't work on my recovery like I did.
I struggle at night, but the morning brings another day. It brings another good morning call from my girl as we wake up apart in distance but still together. It brings another trip to Tim Horton's to grab a drink and a fist bump from the friendly drive-thru guys. It brings another day of fumbling with my keys while I try to balance the bags as I open my office door. It brings countless phone calls to other providers and the county with long hold times and great jokes from coworkers during the hold. It brings doctor appointments and gym days. It bring criminal minds binge watching with my cousin.
It's hard to put everything in place like it should. Trying to decide how much a of impact my past will have on my future. I know it is part of my story, but it is not the whole story, yet I don't want to hide it away. I want to work through it, I want to be able to stand tall and say that did happen, that is where I came from, but it didn't destroy me, I have overcome so much and continue to surpass what I thought I could be. It is okay to still ask for help and struggle with these thoughts though.
