Pivotal puzzle points and Awareness

I've been contemplating all month (I know it's only five days into the month...) about whether or not I would write about this topic. But, today at work made the decision for me.

So I guess I'm going to start with some background information about my day and go from there. Today I woke up at six thirty after getting under four hours of sleep, I woke up miserable and exhausted and was bummed it was only Wednesday. I grabbed a banana and headed off to physical therapy. I had wrote down the wrong time and happened to arrive about thirty minutes before my appointment (actually thirty five because I cannot stand being late to anything). As I met with my physical therapist my mood lightened a little as we joked on my newest injury. I had a ten minute nap between therapy and preparing food for my day before work. Preparing food is like my least favorite task lately, I have switched to Gluten free due to my doctors thinking I might have Celiac disease (waiting on biopsy results still). I have been a mess since changing the diet, always hungry and irritable due to trying new foods (which means new textures). I got to work already spent for the day and sat down to think of how I could make my day easier. I work as a counselor at a congregate care facility ( in laymen terms a little more freedom than a group home for people with mental health diagnosis). About ten minutes into my shift the printer was broken and for some reason that was enough for me to not want to do anything. An hour goes by and I have a conversation that is the reason I will write today.

If you made it this far into my story bravo! Sometimes I add too much, or not enough, or irrelevant information. 

 I have written before of the struggles of having different physical and mental health issues. I have expressed the issues with having serve ADHD, with having a multi senses sensory processing disorder, with my recent physical health diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. There's one diagnosis though that I struggle to talk too much about. I have just started being proactive on different things I could utilize to help me perform any task to the best of my ability. I have been getting better at disclosing the appropriate information about why my mannerisms and behaviors aren't exactly like my neurotypical friends and coworkers. I have been called quirky, weird, unique, one of a kind, and many not so nice names because of how I act and react in day to day activities. I used to roll it off my back and not want to say the words, but here goes nothing, I am Autistic. I am on the spectrum and received an official diagnosis in college where I was terrified of what people would think if they knew. Within the past year though I have learned to embrace those words, to hold the power to educate and advocate to make my interactions easier on all parties involved. 


The year 1990, such an important one for so many reasons. One being I was born into this world, two (which is way more important) being the ADA ACT getting passed. Now flash forward into the present day, I am a counselor for a non-profit organization and I am someone who is covered under this ACT. My supervisor has been incredible with allowing some accommodations for my mental and physical issues that arise. I can use headphones when I can't focus on my billing, I can adjust my schedule accordingly to fit in all the doctors and physical therapy I need. Although today took the cake so to say for how she views accommodations. Today I was literally sliding off a coworker's chair in their office (trying to provide pressure to my back to help soothe me), two coworkers kinda questioned what I was doing. So me being me and being on the verge of a meltdown exclaimed how I was irritable and just wanted blankie time but I knew I couldn't have it until I got home. My supervisor had popped by at this point and I was asked what exactly blankie time was. I explained that just like I use headphones to help calm me or rock or walk around the office, I have this blankie that helps soothe me. I explained how the blankie overstimulates mutliple sensory inputs and I can take a few minutes with my blankie and it's like a factory reset. I become much more calm and relaxed and can better handle situations. My supervisor nonchalantly stated that I could bring my blankie to work as it was a reasonable accommodation. I COULD BRING MY BLANKIE TO WORK!!! This was a game changing statement for me. Since I had disclosed about me being on the spectrum, since they have seen me work better on rough days from other accommodations, since they have taken time to understand that sometimes I just need to adjust my environment so I can thrive at my job, since the ADA ACT is not just a piece of paper to them, I can accommodate in ways that will really show how good I can be in my position.
And that folks is why a month exists for awareness, because they are aware they can accommodate. Because of accommodations I have been able to show my full abilities as a counselor, I was promoted quickly in the company, I was able to impress the director and higher ups in with my work, and most importantly I am able to function well enough so I can advocate and assist my clients in all the areas they need. 

For the nights that it seems too rough

                 Honestly, it has been so hard to get my thoughts and feelings out. I struggle to comprehend the place I should be in life, the steps I take to go from where I was from to where I would like to be. I feel like a kid playing dress up some days, but the ironic thing is the dress clothes I wear tend to be too small for my stature. See, I never thought I'd make it this far in life, I lived in a cycle of depression that has kept me from really grasping the idea of a future. I say lived, but, truthfully I struggle day to day with the depression still. I'm grateful that I have a support group and had one for over the past ten years. I have come so far and it has been the help of so many that have gotten me out of some dark places. This time around though, I felt so embarrassed to reach out for help. I'm not in the places I was before, I have an apartment, I have a nice car, I have a job in my career field (hell I even have my own office), I have a supportive girlfriend, I have some solid supports. Yet, I get nervous to admit that I struggle still.

             I saw this comic the other day, it said "its just like riding a bike, or child abuse, you never forget". I laughed for it was so true. I may be in my field, I may be a counselor by day, but at night my life is filled with the tremors and torments from the past. The sweat soaked screams from the horrific nightmares and flashbacks that flood the dark hours get tucked away for a later day. Because, the ability to find a counselor while being a counselor is much harder than I thought it would be. Some days i get fearful that I'll never be able to live past the past. I hear the stories from others that are much older about how the nightmares never truly let up. I've told myself time after time that it is just because they don't work on my recovery like I did.

             I struggle at night, but the morning brings another day. It brings another good morning call from my girl as we wake up apart  in distance but still together. It brings another trip to Tim Horton's to grab a drink and a fist bump from the friendly drive-thru guys. It brings another day of fumbling with my keys while I try to balance the bags as I open my office door. It brings countless phone calls to other providers and the county with long hold times and great jokes from coworkers during the hold. It brings doctor appointments and gym days. It bring criminal minds binge watching with my cousin.

      It's hard to put everything in place like it should. Trying to decide how much a of impact my past will have on my future. I know it is part of my story, but it is not the whole story, yet I don't want to hide it away. I want to work through it, I want to be able to stand tall and say that did happen, that is where I came from, but it didn't destroy me, I have overcome so much and continue to surpass what I thought I could be. It is okay to still ask for help and struggle with these thoughts though.