Can I just tell you that I used to dream,
sometimes
That I'd love to dream once more
But when it starts
I freeze, I choke
People say that ADHD
Makes your mind run fast
Too quick to catch up
But when mixed with my fears
These thoughts crawl
so slow, like molasses
I fall into a pit of quicksand
Where nothing can exist
I hardly see the moment in time
let alone a future
These dreams, they stopped
Because these fears can crush it all
It comes down to a mindset
I strive to dream, to become someone
To be more than this, to want more than this
But I feel frozen, stuck to ground
Wishing I could melt away
And when I do, when I finally start to
People say I am too fluttery
I flap around like a wounded bird
Can't you see though
the caged bird doesn't remember just how to fly
How can my dreams take flight
If I've barely adjusted to see through this meek light
When I hope, its a burden
When I press towards a goal, it becomes an Olympic sport
So I grit my teeth and show my muscles
Fighting everything blindly
Coming up with more battles scars
People say to focus, and practice makes perfect
But I'm looking through a busted kaleidoscope
And these life patterns that have taught me
I'm far from perfect, I'm far from right
That repetition of hurt words that make their mark
Leaving much more than a wounded heart
Stuck on the pain, and the beauty of these fragmented pieces
I see the world much different than before
People say time heals all things
Well I'll tell you in due time
Why this broken, cage-freed bird sings
The life spent stuck in my fears wanting to hope,
The sweat, the blood, the tears
Has made the most interesting masterpiece
I've seen so far, It leaves me breathless
Can I tell I wish to dream once more?
That I want to leave a different type of mark
One to show that I'm no longer stuck,
I might still be fragile, but I am free
I'm no longer held down by anything,
Or anyone,
No. Not even me.
Can I tell you that people may say a lot
But I say there is no need worry, just a need
To dream once more.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Friday, July 31, 2015
Emotions and Times
So I'm sitting alone in my apartment, I feel the engulfing over take of a sad mood. But, it's more than a sad mood, the depression kicks me down so hard. Which I do not have a reason to be depressed today. Honestly over the past week I've had some of the greatest times of my life with great news and things I have secretly desired for years come to a front. And yet, here I am feeling miserable because my depression is sinking me in a rut while I'm alone on my 25th birthday.
I should be ecstatic, I should be singing from roof tops and having a face fixed with smiles. There are small bursts of happy sounds and then there are overly forced smiles while trying to explain to my friends that I appreciate their thoughts and their gifts. I mean that sincerely. I am absolutely floored with amazement with the outpouring of love and presents I got around my birthday. So many friends and family and strangers wished me a happy birthday. I have received presents that are far greater than I could ever have expected. I feel so loved, yet this depression makes me feel so lonely. It makes no sense in my mind. How I could feel so lost and lonely when things are going so well?
Depression is a crazy thing. I don't always like to admit I have depression or that sometimes it makes it so hard to explain that although things are beyond amazing in my life right now my brain is just giving me the wrong chemicals, the wrong emotions, the opposite of how I should feel. BUT, I should stop myself and change that outlook. HERE I AM complaining about having the wrong emotions on my birthday, but how can it be the wrong emotion? Emotions are just emotions. I don't think there are necessarily right and wrong emotions, just that sometimes they get jumbled and confused and aren't what should be expected. So I feel lonely and a deep sadness on my birthday, BUT I keep reminding myself it will pass and most importantly it is okay that I feel this way.
As I stated, I have had some great news in this past week. One of the greatest things ever has been being told that the doctors don't think the seizures are epileptic in nature but that they are coming from the medications I have been getting placed on for the past two years. Which is very interesting for me to explain, because it starts with me admitting to myself and others that I had a drinking problem that got severe, I stopped drinking too drastically and caused my body withdrawal shock that led to me having the first two seizures and from then on my life consisted of seizing rather frequently and many tests and struggles. But, now two years later I'm given the news from doctors after a week long stay with hardcore observations and discussions that the medication I have been on has probably caused every other seizure I've had...and without these medications life can go back to almost normal. This is a great thing to hear. Not that epilepsy is a horrible thing to have, there is just a lot of lifestyle changes and hoops to jump through if you have it. And now two years after being told they think I have epilepsy, I have been told they most certainly do not think I have epilepsy. I am relieved to hear that I may never have to worry about seizing again. I'm not out of the clear just yet, they do not know if some of the blanking out and other issues I have had are from medication or from other health issues. But today has been nine days without any medication and I have yet to seize. I have pushed pass my limits this past week and have gotten my body exhausted... and nothing happened. Which makes me believe the doctors were correct on their theory about it being from medication. Hopefully I will be seizure free forever now, and to that I should be so incredibly happy.
I should be incredibly happy, it's what I desire to be, but today I just can't. I can get as far as content with the day but that's even hard to feel. And then I feel bad for feeling bad. But inside deep down beneath those every flowing strong emotions there is a part of me that knows things are great even if my emotions do not feel that way. I am ALIVE, I am TWENTY FIVE. I am SEIZURE FREE. I am blessed with friends and family that love and care and support my life with every step and decision I make. I may not give people the best and brightest I LOVE YOU today, but know I love each and every person in my life. Depression makes my emotions feel so blah, but through the blah I know this is an emotion, this is a moment, this is a time and even though I feel so strong today, it is a day and it is completely okay for me to feel this way. I will smile one day soon. I will rejoice over everything that is happening, and I still appreciate greatly everyone that has made this week special even if it doesn't seem like it. I may have depression, it may be flaring up hardcore today, but I Am Amanda, and I know in my heart that love is greater than depression.
I should be ecstatic, I should be singing from roof tops and having a face fixed with smiles. There are small bursts of happy sounds and then there are overly forced smiles while trying to explain to my friends that I appreciate their thoughts and their gifts. I mean that sincerely. I am absolutely floored with amazement with the outpouring of love and presents I got around my birthday. So many friends and family and strangers wished me a happy birthday. I have received presents that are far greater than I could ever have expected. I feel so loved, yet this depression makes me feel so lonely. It makes no sense in my mind. How I could feel so lost and lonely when things are going so well?
Depression is a crazy thing. I don't always like to admit I have depression or that sometimes it makes it so hard to explain that although things are beyond amazing in my life right now my brain is just giving me the wrong chemicals, the wrong emotions, the opposite of how I should feel. BUT, I should stop myself and change that outlook. HERE I AM complaining about having the wrong emotions on my birthday, but how can it be the wrong emotion? Emotions are just emotions. I don't think there are necessarily right and wrong emotions, just that sometimes they get jumbled and confused and aren't what should be expected. So I feel lonely and a deep sadness on my birthday, BUT I keep reminding myself it will pass and most importantly it is okay that I feel this way.
As I stated, I have had some great news in this past week. One of the greatest things ever has been being told that the doctors don't think the seizures are epileptic in nature but that they are coming from the medications I have been getting placed on for the past two years. Which is very interesting for me to explain, because it starts with me admitting to myself and others that I had a drinking problem that got severe, I stopped drinking too drastically and caused my body withdrawal shock that led to me having the first two seizures and from then on my life consisted of seizing rather frequently and many tests and struggles. But, now two years later I'm given the news from doctors after a week long stay with hardcore observations and discussions that the medication I have been on has probably caused every other seizure I've had...and without these medications life can go back to almost normal. This is a great thing to hear. Not that epilepsy is a horrible thing to have, there is just a lot of lifestyle changes and hoops to jump through if you have it. And now two years after being told they think I have epilepsy, I have been told they most certainly do not think I have epilepsy. I am relieved to hear that I may never have to worry about seizing again. I'm not out of the clear just yet, they do not know if some of the blanking out and other issues I have had are from medication or from other health issues. But today has been nine days without any medication and I have yet to seize. I have pushed pass my limits this past week and have gotten my body exhausted... and nothing happened. Which makes me believe the doctors were correct on their theory about it being from medication. Hopefully I will be seizure free forever now, and to that I should be so incredibly happy.
I should be incredibly happy, it's what I desire to be, but today I just can't. I can get as far as content with the day but that's even hard to feel. And then I feel bad for feeling bad. But inside deep down beneath those every flowing strong emotions there is a part of me that knows things are great even if my emotions do not feel that way. I am ALIVE, I am TWENTY FIVE. I am SEIZURE FREE. I am blessed with friends and family that love and care and support my life with every step and decision I make. I may not give people the best and brightest I LOVE YOU today, but know I love each and every person in my life. Depression makes my emotions feel so blah, but through the blah I know this is an emotion, this is a moment, this is a time and even though I feel so strong today, it is a day and it is completely okay for me to feel this way. I will smile one day soon. I will rejoice over everything that is happening, and I still appreciate greatly everyone that has made this week special even if it doesn't seem like it. I may have depression, it may be flaring up hardcore today, but I Am Amanda, and I know in my heart that love is greater than depression.
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