Fighting For The Life....

Can You Feel It Hardening Too?
No Longer Fighting To Hold Onto You
Listening To The Shouting Lies
Allowing The Cold, Blindness To Set In The Eyes
My Heart Is Tired And Weary
The Coming Days Just Oh So Dreary
A Sickness So Deep
I Lay Awake And Weep
Why Don't Mend?
Can't You See I'm Trying To Rend?
Where Are You When I Feel Alone?
Why Don't You Answer My Spirit's Groan?
So You're Here, But I Don't Let In
I'm Too Consumed With My Sin.
I Don't Feel Like Letting Go.
I Don't Want To Let My Pain Show
Sweetly Broken Is Definately Not Me
A Gross Flow Of Emotion Is What I See
The Hardening Continues To Spread
Because Of The Voices In My Head
How Do I Quiet Them Forever?
Deeper And Deeper They Sever
I Can't Keep Fighting So Hard
It Leaves Me Hurting And Scarred
I'm Left Here Crying
Wanting My Flesh To Be The One Dying
Stop The Ache!
I Don't Know How Much More I Can Take....

My God's Bigger Than Your Sin

I was so little, so Small
still a baby
but for you it meant nothing at all
I was so mild,
and so meek.
And you took advantage
of the fact that I was weak
I was so young
just barely three
how could you?
How dare you take advantage of me!
The effects lasting long
the trauma so deep
haunts me while awake
and terrorizes my sleep
I am so broken
so hurt to the core
do you understand the
effects I had to endure
never feeling safe
Afraid of who to trust
Not understanding the differences
between love and plain old lust
I struggle daily to find beauty
Always feeling the dirt of your sin
the emotional scars
but you'll never win
you may have taken my innocence
for a bit of lust
But you see
My Jesus is the one I can trust
He's the one who calls me his child
And wipes away the many tears
Holds me close at night
and fights away those fears
Your actions broke me down
made me hurt something strong
But my God promises
it wont hurt for long
So I give you to Him
allow His justice to take place
and try to get rid of the bitterness
I feel when I see a picture of your face
You may have hurt me
But we all sin great
I forgive you for it
and I'm trying not to hate
My God's bigger than your sin

ramblings of the heart

Lord I'm Cry Out
And I Can't Hear Your Voice
My Words Bounce Off These Walls
Shattering The Silence And
Allowing The Wound To Open Again
Like A Scavenger I Pick Thru
Trying To Find Something Of Worth In Me
But My Hands Are Already Filthy
Infecting The Wound Yet Again
In Desperate Need Of A Healer
Yet I'm Trying To Be All I Need
How Do I Expect To Hear You Over My Screams?
When Will I Let You Back Into This Room?
Why Are You Screaming Too?
So Many Questions
I Have No Answers But Pretend I Know It All
Lord Break The Walls
I'm Scared But Ready To Let Go Again
So Here's My Wounded Infected Heart
But I Can't Stop The Screaming Soul
Help Me Kill The Flesh Around
Let Me Lay Upon That Altar Once More
Allow Me To Take The Pounding Weight Off
Carry My Cross Because It's Breaking My Shoulders
I Can't Fight This Battle Alone
The Enemies Are Already Inside
All I Have Left Is My Crying To You
Be The Healer I Know You Are
Take Your Soldier Back
Stop The Bleeding And Train Me Up
I Need Your Knowledge And Power To Prevail
I'm Begging For Your Mercy
I'm Pleding For Your Grace
You've Never Forsaken Me
Yet I Still Wander And Do Things On My Own
Hold My Heart Close As It Breaks Apart
Let It Tune Back To The Rythm Of Yours
Let Me Go Again As Your Servant
Proclaiming How Great Of A Master
And Father and Lover You Truely Are
Here I Am Lord, Send Me!

hopefully hopeing

I cry constently right now...but I pretend to be strong. I mean come on, do you know who I am? Soemtimes I don't think I even know who I am... I know the simple things about me, like name and age, I know somethings that I like and dislike. Who I am is still lost to me...am I defined by what my friends say?, or what my enemies shout?, or what my brain thinks about myself? I tell people constantly that the bible tells them who they are, That God says we are these beautiful creations made by Him, yet my heart longs to actually grasp that. I know sometimes I believe it... most of the time I will delight in knowing that I am God's child, but the lies of my past still feel stuck to me. I know God scrubbed them off, but I can still remember what it was like to wear the thought/name/feeling. I know that we all struggle with knowing who we are, that for some reason I feel like it's a constant struggle to make something about oneself better.

After some long conversations with people I love my heart ached. I hadn't felt so broken in a long time. I watched more people I truely care about decide that it's been too long, that the time for my healing is taking too long and that there's no longer hope. That I'm clearly not pressing foreward enough and life isn't changing. I've been stunned for the past few days, wondering if I'm really not going to ever change. Am I settling again? Where is God in my decisions? Do I really want to be bound to constant moving and fast food jobs? Where is the passion in my life being placed?

I screamed at a friend, not because of anything they did, but we were discussing life... I cried out, explained how much I get frustrated with people looking at me like I'm failing and don't really have a plan in life. Leaving college and not going back anytime soon makes people mad, and sometimes I want to go back just to make them happy, but that would be wrong. The fact that I have a job, and want to just keep odd jobs, that I don't desire at all a career. In my eyes missions is a career, That i need a job to support it yes, But I want missions to come first. I don't want to be full time job and part time missions... Most people don't understand that...and even the some that do can't define how I do it. That's between me and jesus...and I can't define it from anyone else.

So I'm standing back thinking about how I go after my hearts desires. How I get to go further into the missions filed, because every interaction can be a missions field. How I press into God to press onto life. I keep thinking about how my one friend had explained how they were sick and tired of living a life with out making a difference..which to them is life without meaning. So I dare to make a difference...I desire to be a world changer for Jesus...I don't know what that road looks like, but I know that God believes in me even in the hardest of times...