Fight or Fall, a mindful battle

Standing on the front line...I feel my knees shaking in my baggy jeans, my stomach turns and my heart is pouding so loud it is like a drum inside my ears. My eyes want to close but with all thats in me they stay pryed open. My stance is straight up, from the outside you can't tell how scared I truely am. In front of me is darkness... a shadowy image, it makes my teeth clench, yet still you can't see how scared I am. Like a drive-in screen my life plays before me...different parts on different screens. From the darkness comes voices, some as quiet as whispers and some shouting. The words hit me hard, like a close range shot from a paint ball gun, just blasting emotions onto me like paint balls blasting colors, I am wearing my guilt, my sorrow, my fear, my lust now... but stil I stand, poised and ready to fight back, paintiently waiting...for what I am still unsure of, maybe a sign, maybe someone to stand beside me. Hands poised to the sides, slightly open as if another hand was to be placed inside my own at any moment.
The voices grow louder, shouting lies and slandering my growth, my life, my God. I want to scream back, I know its not true. "Enough!" is singing inside me but you can barely tell that my mouth is moving. "Enough", "enough", Enough", it's like a whisper now. My hands tighten up, one is balled into a fist. "Enough!" I'm at a normal pitch now but the voices get louder still, they get closer still but not out of the shadows. My free hand graps by my side, searches for a minute and then grips onto another hand. The hand with the hole in it.
"ENOUGH!" comes blasting out of me, never have I hear my voice be so strong and steady, and yet it seems so right. It's like my whole life waited for this time, like this was the beginning of the purpose, of my purpose."ENOUGH!" the hands stay together, my finger slips into the hole, and feels the pain and the joy at the same time. "ENOUGH!" everything seems lighter, easier, my stance is not a problem to hold anymore. The fire inside is buring strong consumeing the brokenness of my heart, making it a refined piece of treasure. "I'm no longer bound by you, you understand me!?" i lift my hand and His up in the air, "this is the true me, a friend, a beloved one of some one who will understand and take away my pain, not inflict more!" a smile becomes fixed on my face, i can feel the presence of power behind me, but i dare not look away from ahead. I must finish this. "ENOUGH!" "this is my life to give to Him, not yours to rob from me" The voices stopped a long time ago, since the other hand was there, I didn't notice though, I was so focused on taking back my life, I didnt notice His presence made the voices flee. But still there was a good to my yelling, because i realized the person i was yelling at wasn't just the voices, it was me. That was my past playing, trying to take over, and I was the one playing it, and I have had enough of myself and my lack of will to grow. "ENOUGH!, MY GOD"S ENOUGH" and just like that the past stops replaying and I'm able to step foreward into the new shed light thanks to Him. The battle field was my mind, and Him was victorious, but of course, He's never lost

You can like it, or love it, or rip it apart

I want to just scream from the highest point, shout across the biggest field, I want to have them understand. Quietly talking isn't getting it through, the actions taken aren't helping them learn it. I don't know how to go radical with it...if I did I would. To hear a friend not understand it breaks me, it makes me hurt deep down...not saying its my fault that they don't get it, but the effects of not understanding. How can they not understand His love? How can they overlook His presnce? Why does it seem easier to deny Him then actually accept that He is there to love and guide them?
I don't do the whole religion thing...I'll never call myself religious, but I have a growing relationship with the Creator, I am friends with the man who died on a cross for my sins, I am the daughter of the Most High, I enjoy chilling with the Holy Spirit. I desire to give up everything of mine to follow Him, not saying that I always do.
I want to serve and follow but a lot of times my human-ness creeps in. It sings lies to me and I lose the beautiful melody God was playing and the mix doesn't happen, only one song can play. I'm the Dj that decides how it all should go, whether it should sound good breifly then spiral downwards to an annoying screech and gnashing sounds or if there should be a slow start and a victorous beautiful finish.
How frustrated I got with myself when my hand was sprained and had to be placed in a cast for a while. I wanted to use it so bad, I then realized how much i had used it before and how much I wanted it...not saying I needed it, because frankly I could live without it even if it would change everyting. I felt the the cast and still tried to use the hand inside the cast...but it hurt each little movement sent a shock of pain through out the arm. Using it as it was still healing was not only bad for itself but also for the parts around it, this all made em think of me and God. I am a broken hand...I havent healed from my fall yet... athough I can do somethings it can hurt if i try to do too much, and not only will it hurt me but also the ones im connected with...as God takes off the bandages I am still showing the effects of the fall..still bruised in some spots and hurt in other spots when it is talked about... but just as my hand has gotten back to better..in fact the hand feels better than before the fall...God will make me completely healed and useable... He will allow me to help out with the task ahead.
So i realized this all is random and well thats how my brain works....random thoughts constantly flying around. You can call me ADD, but i'll tell you one thing, i pick up on a lot because of my lack of focus, and i can focus if i need too. God made me this way for a reason, so if you don't like it well thats your problem.