lovely

Those eyes pierce into me
Gently though
I'm lost in the deep brown swirl
Those lashes
such a delicate curl

I can't hide my smile
and it's real
how you make me feel right now
is different
then anything ever before

When you smile at me
I melt
the way your whole face brightens up
those dimples
are the cutest thing

Such giddiness and nervousness
left wondering
If you feel the way I do
stumbling words
because you noticed me

If Life Gives You Melons...

I once heard a joke that went if life gives you melons you may be dsylexic. I think about this; life and melons and lemons; the sweet yet sour-ness of my life. There are many times in life where I get frustrated with my disabilities. I notice how much harder I work to fit in, to stay focused, to understand others, to handle every day situations. I get frustrated sometimes and wish life had just given me lemons like so many, but I have melons. No matter how you look at a melon will always be a melon and never a lemon. So I try to look at the fact that melons are sweet. There are many sweeter things that come with my ADHD, my sensory processing issues, and other little quirks I have. I can remember a lot of little details about something (I'm beast at ispy books). I'm full of facts, sometimes random but I love learning more about things and sharing knowledge (knowledge is power). I pick up on things fairly fast. There's many downsides though, It's really hard for me to focus for long periods, when I do end up focusing it consumes me and I panic if I can't complete the task. I'm extremely impulsive...extremely. Certain sounds, tastes, and textures send me into a fit, they make me panic and not be able to do anything, sometimes it gets so bad that I tantrum like a toddler. I have less cooridination which results in many many injuries for me. Thankfully I've learned many ways to help myself stay on task, calm my impulstivity and avoid chaos. For me textures of three are very calming ( the back of my hair is even cut short and then shaved up a little to create three textures to soothe me when over stimulated). Music is a wonderful way to ease me ( I almost always have a headphone in, it helps me focus more too).  My all time calm down is my blankie, but it's not really acceptable for me to carry it everywhere. 
I'm not quite sure why I wanted to share all of this...I do know that sometimes it's hard for me to explain to others what is going on in my head, or why I do things that are random, weird, or overbearing. I  do want to say though that I appreciate life giving me melons, because melons come in all different shapes and sizes and colors, and sometimes I like being different than the general population of people.

Catch 22

It's way past my bed time right now, but I feel as if I don't write I'll never share. Sometimes in life I get so overwhellemed, I mean we all do. Then fears swoop in and take over. My mind goes on over drive, spinning out of control faster than the tazmanian devil. I started looking at things in life and what I actually wanted to do when I "grow up". I use that term losely because I don't really think that I'm not a grown up, I just know I am at a point again where I need assitance with somethings. Unexpected circumstances that were unforseen to humans knocked me off my feet, I love that in a way, because it makes you fully rely on God. I mean I was literally knocked off my feet. A blown out knee left me unable to drive, to work, to do many simple tasks in life on my own. Sure there were points when my knee was getting better and I could go to work for a bit and move around with just a limp and a knee brace. Those were glorious moments, times when I felt like "cool I got this, time to walk back to reality". But honestly I hadn't learned all I needed. Not that I think I know it all now. Man can I say the joys of simple movements and feats though. I spent my summer out of work getting some knee surgery and right now I'm six weeks since surgery. I spent some time on complete bedrest, rejoicing over being able to wiggle toes on my own, then learning the muscles around the knee again, and being able to finally dress myself or take a shower on my own, when I started to take my first steps (in my head I wanted to do backflips it was that awesome). Right now I'm at a set back, my knee won't bend as far as it should already. On top of that I need to start paying for the surgery and therapy, but I'm not making money till I go back to work, but can't work until the knee heals enough from seeing doctors and therapy. It's a crazy catch 22 that I could easily get caught up in. And it did make me stumble for a bit today, I got frazzled and frustrated and cried. And then got comforted by the fact that God heard my cries, He knows this part of my story (well He knows it all, being author of life and all), If I just listen and press in... and that is how I must handle the many catch 22s in my life, the only way to press through and perservere (remain under). God doesn't desire confusion, He doesn't say there won't be chaos, but He promises to walk through it all with you and fight on our side. Best part He always wins, every time. I may get frustrated and fed up with my knee and my life but in those moments God will shine through (not always in the way we expect) and He will always see me through it. I'll rejoice in this pain, and trust Him to provide, goodbye catch 22, hello Jesus catching me and you...